I end this blog on the sentiment on which this trip began. I wrote this in December, before I left:

Maybe the muse stems from our deepest wounds, wanting to fill us with all that is us. Maybe the muse is the parts of our soul we lost early on, beckoning to us to come retrieve them, but we can only do so by journeying back to the source. Narcissus, when he looked at the reflection in the stream, didn't think he was looking at himself, he thought he was seeing someone else, and fell deeply in love with the beauty of it. Perhaps the love for the muse is the love for our own image that we have disassociated from, and the courting is the trepidations yet intoxicating path back to reclaiming the divine in us.

Maybe the divine is ours.

This doesn't make a lot of sense, I just need an outlet for all the crazy things I'm feeling right now.

Well, I'm home... It feels really fucking weird. Definitely in the throws of some extreme reverse culture shock. In addition to the normal levels of reverse culture shock that I should be experiencing, I am also kind of dealing with the trauma and confusion of the way that my trip ended... I don't necessarily want to get into the specifics of that. Just all isn't what I would have expected, not that I ever had any strong expectations in mind for what it would be like coming home, or how my trip should come to a close. I must say, it all happened very fast, and in a very odd rush.

Feeling emotional extremes, crying a lot... also feeling nothing... not sure how I can exactly be experiencing both at once.

Got in in the afternoon yesterday. My body had no idea what time it was, and rather than try and stay up until evening and go to sleep at a normal time I just passed out. I slept most of the afternoon, got up in the evening to eat, and went back to sleep. Slept very intermittently. Had a lot of weird dreams, including driving and there being cows on the freeway (which in India wouldn't be that weird...) Driving... I don't know if I even remember how to drive a car...

What do I do here? I'm sure everything will go back to "normal" and things will start making some sense again soon, but for now... I don't know. I don't really feel ready to be happy and exuberant right now. I feel really reserved for the moment. Not ready to receive the world... not ready to actually be here... be home. Be in the present moment. Not ready to be in my experience...

I know there is much to receive. So much love from everyone. Means so much to hear that people are happy I'm home and want to see me. I don't really know what I need right now... Do I need to push myself into the world again? Do I need to just let myself sit here and cry and process? I don't know. I wish I could take my focus off myself and the uncertainty around what I need right now.

Well... hmm... Leslie reminds me that not being sure if things are ok or not is certainly an improvement from being sure that they're not ok. Yes. Perspective.

Ok... advice to self... breath. Relax. Don't be hard on yourself. At all. Let yourself rest, even excessively. Stop getting so lost in ideas. The answer is, and has always been... come back to the present moment, the breath... everything is ok. Everything is as it should be. (Thanks Jo)

Bangkok is quiet. Sometimes I resonate with the quiet, sometimes it amplifies my dis ease. The vibe of dis ease and disharmony is tangible in the air due to al the protests. Trying not to get to close to any of that, I have burnt out my ability to cope with the world, and that kind of information for sure surely doesn't sit well with me.

Keep going, moment by moment. Maybe I'll come home son, I can;t realy gauge what I can or can't do right now. I just know that I'm burnt out and tired and not getting what I need at the moment.

Missing everyone at home and hoping that they'll stil love me and care about me no matter what state I find myself home in. Could be anything.

India, one more thought before I go to sleep, and surely not as eloquant as I'd like it to be, but I have to be up really early in the morning.

 

I really can see now the incredible clarity the extent to which you are a mirror. You have managed to reflect back to me some giant unconscious patterns that have been playing themselves out my entire life. You amplify them, you bring them to the surface with your powerful vibrations. You bring us back to our oldest, most unconscious aspects of dealing with life amidst the parade of energy in every stage of living and dying. For those willing to deeply look within, all is available.

 

Thank you for being what you are. I say this with sincerity and love.

 

Now please don't mind the fact that I'm going to get the hell out of here, and know that I do so in a manner of lovingly responding to what is right in the moment.

Heading back to Thailand...

 

I didn't want it to be like this, this feeling of running away. It doesn't do India justice as the amazing place it is. India, know that I love you and don't want you to be anything you're not.

 

I just need to feel as though I am responding to what is appropriate for me in the moment.

Sonam's letter

"My name is Sonam Dhondup, aged 25 yrs. old, escaped from Tibet in the year 2003; except  me, the rest of my family members are in Tibet. I can only talk to them occasionally but I don't know when I can see them again. Ever since coming into exile, I have always wanted to go on a year long pilgrimage to major Buddhist sacred sites in India and Nepal, doing prostration at those sacred places for the sake of world peace and prosperity. I wish to accumulate approximately 36000 prostrations in a year.

   I have had done prostration along with my sister and parents when I was 11 years old, from my hometown of Tawu, eastern Tibet to Lhasa visiting all the pilgrimage sites on the way, which took 3 years and 7 months. Then again, I repeated the same procedure when I was 16 yrs. old.

   Now that after being 7 years in India, I have learned enough passable Hindi. So, I think it's the right time for me to fulfill the wishes of my parents to go on a pilgrimage by doing prostration in the land of Buddha.

   In order to accomplish this great journey, I am ready to leave my decent job but still the major obstacle is that I just need some money to sustain me during this period of more than 1 year. Therefore, I humbly beg and entreat you with folded palms to sponsor for this genuine cause."

 

 

 

I really want to try hard and help this dear friend of mine get sponsorship for this journey.

 

You are the creator, sustainer, destroyer.

Car and Bus rides are always contemplative times.

 

Saying goodbye again... This time really meaning it. To Dharamsala. To Sonam. A place and person who changed my life in ways I can't yet imagine.

 

I seem to be somewhat back in the flow? Whatever that means. I was waiting for a signal from the universe to move, and it seemed to come. Go to Manali, so I did. Stunning cab ride through mountains and canyons and little Indian villages. There was a Kali festival happening in one of the villages. Kali... Had a lot of her energy in my life for awhile there. Interesting how the void mysteriously opens up and then just as mysteriously closes, leaving the haunting memory and feeling of unease.

 

I made some really good friends in Dharamsala before I left. I am supposed to meet up with them (supposedly tomorrow) in Kullu to go to the village of Malana. Every time I try their cell however I get a message saying it is switched off, and they haven't responded to my email, so I may be on my own.

 

Rolling into this town yesterday it wasn't exactly what I expected. All the different parts of town are rather far away from each other, and it was actually cold! Haven't been cold in awhile... Staying in a nice guesthouse that friends reccommended. People seem nice there.

 

Today took a rickshaw to Vashisht and went to the hotsprings... The hotsprings were a temple with public baths, which were rather dirty and too hot to get into. I dipped my feet in and out and sat with some older Israeli women for a little while. I then started walking around and found the trail to the waterfall. The waterfall and little temple below it were pretty stunning. I then had lunch and walked back on my own, which was about 3 k. I explored New Manali a bit and then returned to Old Manali, where I'm staying.

 

Feeling the sting at the moment of being on my own. Of again not knowing what I'm going to be doing. For some reason I have a really hard time just being on my own without much input from other people. I was fine during the day but it just feels like it is building up now.

 

I did, however, see my first Yak today. I realized earlier today I didn't actually know what a Yak looked like, which was a surprising realization since I'd been talking about Yaks with Tibetan people for a month!

 

logistical considerations of space and time... whee does my being want to be?

Beginning to feel my traveler stamina return. Want to visit one more place before leaving India (which will be soon) and can't decide if it will be Manali or Shrinegar.

Manali would be on my own, most likely, which might be a bit beyond my comfort zone at the moment..

Shrinegar would be with someone I met here, but I still need to feel into how it feels to go to Kashmir.

Or something completely different I haven't envisioned yet?

Some interesting themes emerging and reemerging. People (both Tibetan and American) Named Pema, studying Nyingma Buddhist philosophy. Nyingma monks. Monks in twos talking about love.

Spent a lot of time talking to Tibetans today. All levels of English, from the barely able to get a sentance out to being able to concicely describe to me the dualistic interconnectivity between meditation and imagination. Was taught the Tibetan alphabet. Confucing! Many letters have what to me sound like the same sounds, but have subtle differences in pitch and intensity.

Anyway... sitting with the discomfort of not knowing... Not really knowing much of anything. Allowing feelings of lonliness come and go as I contribute in many in ways I can't yet imagine.

picking up the pieces

I dropped off the face of the blog planet a little bit I think.

 

So my psyche got shattered a bit in Rishikesh. A bit, that sounds funny to me. I can't say exactly what happened or why, but on a day where I was just taking a cooking class, thinkign a bit too much about plans and visiting a cool art exhibit the world just seemed o catch up with me. I hadn't been participating too heavilly with the spiritual vibration in Rishikesh, I had mostly just been going on nice long relaxing walks, eating good food and hanging out. I think the spiritual vibration, however, was participating with me. This particular day I found myself inexpectantly swimming in a sea of old patterns of chaos, spiritual emergence and shattering. Stories spilled out from all corners of my life to try and explain the unexopected deviation from my center, but there wasn't really a lot of explanatiopn to be found. Racing energy in my chest and heart, inexhaustable panic...

 

well gee, that wasn't supposed to happen!

 

I was supposed to be grounded, centered, that was the condition of this whole thing, right? Apparently not.

 

I was, afterall, bathing everyday in the Ganges, doing yoga, I h\visited Kumbh Mela, for goodness sake. And I can't really ignore the spiritual vibration. I may have been hanging out with a young English girl who didn't fully understand the significance of things around her, but I did, and even while I was just hanging out and talking about other things, it was still flowing through me and I was still present with it.

 

So what to do, what to do. I was NOT ready to go somewhere new, my travel buddies were dispersing off to different locations and I really had no idea what to do or where to go or what was going to unfold, so in a moment of panic and needing a solution I called my parents and we decided it was a wise decision to go back to Dharamsala, a place I was familiar with and felt safer.

 

And this is where I am now. I think even the idea of coming here calmed me down. The chaos has mostly subsided. I feel more grounded, but with that groundedness I can feel my fragility. I am picking up the pieces of my shattered psyche and in doing that I am being far more inward, exploring inner terrain. I realize I was evaluation myself and my travel experience in a very masculine, yong way, as many travelers in this part of the world do. It being all about how many places you go and see, what you do there and how you get there. I am now realizing I need to be more concerned with responding to what I need in the moment and learning more about myself, my boundaries and my needs, even if that is outwardly less exciting. Frankly for the moment I don't know if I can handle that much stimulation.

 

Exploring rhythms, exploring mapping, exploring the heart, exploring the connection to home and tribe (Tribe, I am FEELING YOU GUYS RIGHT NOW, STRONGLY!), getting a lot of massages, paying $6 for hotel rooms instead of $2 and then finding out the next day that my room was given away to someone else, havign the usual characters recognize me on the street and getting a mixture of reactions, my favorite of which was from Amir, who was surprisingly happy to see me...

 

Went to Sonam's glass blowing studio today where he works and saw the work that he and his colleagues do. The owner was really nice to me, and was surprisingly willing to let me try making beads when I told him I wanted to try it (I imagine that would so not fly in the states). I loved watching the glass become embodied by the flame and interacting as an entity with the glassblower. Amazing watching skilled fingers guiding the molten being into different shapes and intricate swirling patterns. I had great fun trying it. I can't tell if I did well of shitty, my first few beads were unsurprisingly lopsided, but I quickly got the hang of it began experimenting with different patterns and styles. I only sent pieces of burning glass flying into my skin once, so this seems fairly successful. I got to keep the beads I made, too.

 

So yes... don't know what will happen (but nothing new there), feeling somewhat safer, but still on slightly tumultuous ground, and enjoyign the increased connection with myself, even though it brings me more in contact with pain.

 

In the words of a Guru in Rishikesh I surprisingly resonated with, and who;s words seemed to speak directly to my experience and my soul, "The world has never been in such great need of your love. The world has never been in such great need of the unique way love expresses itself through you."   Thanks, Prembaba

Everything has been so easy and has been going to smooth for so long. I've found myself remarkably in the flow, having a really easy time existing, accepting things as they come and go. Going between my head and my heart both with wanting to plan and stressing about details and recognizing the right path when its presented to me.

Yesterday was the first day that this flow stopped and I experiences irrational, unexpected panic. The feeling of being overwhelmed and scared for no apparent reason in an otherwise safe situation. And of course this fear and panic feeds on itself and I begin to become afraid of it.

The universe gave me a big yes with the Nepal situation. I was even offered a free taxi ride to the border in exchange for accompanying a swami who is old and doesn't want to travel alone. Everything was aligning, but my body just reacted. Not ready! Sunk into bad space, didn't feel safe.

Time to stop. Slooooow down. Don't run off to Nepal while not feeling secure, Come back, reground.

I feel a bit better now, partially because of the Ganga.

Don't worry about a thing.

I did what any sensible person would do after bathing in the Ganga, took a shower and washed my clothes.

These is an initial shock of transition everywhere I go, especially now that I'm on my own, but I realize that this is a nice town, relaxing, full of a lot of false spirituality and some purity. Lots of free yoga taught by Brazilians, and 100 rupee yoga taught by tall, thin, flexible Indians. Also amazing to me that I can be eating 3 good means at restaurants everyday and this is not considered splurging. Actually besides food and accommodations, I haven't spent anything here. I was looking at clothes in a store today and they told me they could make me anything but as I showed them the things I wanted they didn't actually have any of the fabric...

So yes, lots and lots of yoga, took a nice long walk today with my travel buddies and took a dip in the Ganga on a secluded beach... What else have I been doing here...? Not much, really. Just enjoying much. Having moments of thinking far too much and then getting back into my body. Getting massively hot and sweaty.

I was contemplating going back to McLeod. For Love. And For Nostalgia. For a person and for the whole culture. I almost fell into this trap, but then the Idea to go to Nepal with Katie came up, and my spark of enthusiasm and lust for life returned. I realize we are forever touched and changed by every act of love, and I can happily move on without having lost anything.

The plan, as it looks now, involves a day trip to Haridwar for Kumba Mela, perhaps Wednesday, and leaving to Delhi on Friday and heading on the way to Nepal, which'll be a long journey. Night trains, night busses, but hopefully worth it!

Arriving not exactly in the highest of spirits.

Trying to get myself to look around and realize where I am. What I've accomplished. I've successfully navigated Indian Trains and busses and found myself some nice travel buddies and have landed in a new spot. This spot, however, isn't exactly what I expected. I have to wonder, however, was it the chicken or the egg? As India is a mirror, is it merely reflecting? Are the people here unfriendly or am I unfriendly?

There were many moments of realizing as I was either on the bus or on the train, in transit from Mcleod to here, that I was headed back to India. Ooohhh, there are mosquitoes here, Ooooh, it is really humid and smoggy here, OOhh, everyone stares and takes pictures, ooooh, there is Chai everywhere... Along with the many overwhelming yet charming elements of India that are here, there are tons and tons of western travelers who all seem very unfriendly. They all have their perfect yoga bodies and are far too interested in their own spiritual development (and looking good) to give a damn about anyone else.

I feel this extreme homesickness for Tibetans and Tibetan culture. Homesickness? What an odd feeling to feel. Part of me really felt at home there. All the spirituality that I expected to find in Hindu India and didn't seemed to be found there, and I realize this more and more now that I've left. And the people... so amazing, so kind, so close to my heart, so sweet.

Well... Must give this place a chance. Must do yoga and sit with my own feelings. Must clear... My cup, which is generally empty, and must remain empty in order to be filled with my surroundings, is surprisingly filled with some intense feelings I wouldn't necessarilly have expected.

Must give this place a chance.

Love and monks

I got served Chai at the post office this morning while I was sending a package and it just reminded me how much I love India!

 

Yesterday I went to another English conversation group, a different one than I usually go to, this one was at LIT and I was paired with 2 monks who have been speaking english for only a year or so. This group, unlike the others, gives topics of conversation and the topic of the day was love. What is love, are there different kinds of love? Have you ever been in love romantically and how many times? for how long? etc. Let me tell you, talking with monkis about love was THE BEST THING EVER! Especially when we got to the questions about romantic love. They both obviously answered that they have never been in love romantically, as they are monks and have been since they were 9 and 11 years old, but I asked them if they'd ever had feelings for women before, and they both admitted to having had feelings. I asked if this was difficult thing, and what they did about it. They told me they weren;t allowed to act on their feelings because of their vows, and did admit to me that it can be very difficult. Dawa, who spoke better english, explained to me that according to his Buddhist practice, if you are thinking about a beautiful woman, you are supposed to meditate on ugliness, as beauty is merely just the skin, and is imperminant. They spoke of a deeper kind of love, though, a love for all sentiant beings, a desire to care for and help all things.

 

Mmmmm, what a fascinating few hours.

Keep on flowing

responding to my need for movement.

Was feeling a little depressed this morning. Perhaps that's not the right word, but not having a great deal of confidence in my solo-traveling abilities, but I seemd to find myself in the right place at the right time to get a pep talk and a plan from an older woman traveling India alone, who has been doing do for years. She recommended Rishikesh, which isn't all that far from here. Still a days travel, but much closer than anything else worth going to. Yoga Ashrams, meditation, back on the Ganges (the foothills of the Ganges where it comes from the Himalayas, that means CLEAN Ganges, not Ganges that everyone has bathed and spread their relatives ashes in) close to Kumba Mela. Sounds like a good place to explore indeed. I also later met a girl who is interested in traveling there together potentially. The universe seems to be agreeing with this idea.

Traveling solo and fluidly having my needs met by the universe is rather exhilarating. It'll be interesting to see what happens when I move outside of my comfort zone (You know, before I left I'm not entirely sure I would have believed I would have a comfort zone in India). Once I leave Dharamsala I won't have familiar territory. I wont have people I know. I think having Jared and Colin here also make a big difference even though I don't see them too much throughout the day. Well, I think I'm ready for it. I'm feeling good about everything. Feeling open.

I think a number of my problems (I won't go into what my problems are) stem from the fact that I'm not really willing to put all of myself into any one particular thing. This has been manifesting in a number of ways. Makes it difficult to really absorb... To really go there, to really see the world around me. Some part of my perception and being is curled up in a little nest, unwilling to leave the safety of solidity. Solidity of body, of perception. To a certain extent this is probably smart, but I wonder how much I could afford to melt this. Take some emotional and psychological risks? I will keep exploring this duality as time keeps on flowing.

Went to a Buddhist Philosophy class today at the Library and volunteered doing English conversation at GuChuSum. Noticing the changes in my body as well as I walked about 3k up a steep footpath back from the library. It is certainly different. It doesn't shut down anymore, but reliable keeps going through the tiredness. I'm not used to experiencing myself this way.

Rise up, resist, return

My life in Dharamsala was beginning to feel rather novel like, with quite the cast of characters.

Thus far, it has been rather pleasant being "on my own," I don't exactly feel on my own (could have something to do with Jared and Colin still being here). I expected I'd have so much free time to fill so I bought a book and made all sorts of lists of things to do around town and I've found I haven't needed to use them at all, I just get so swept up in the day. Hanging out with new friends and finding things to do. It is a nice flow. I have this unsettled feeling, however, that I shouldn't stay here too long in Dharamsala. It somehow feels too stagnant. It is a great place, but unless I really get plugged in, what the hell am I really doing here? I just have this bizarre feeling that I need to keep moving, but where? With who? I am making friends, but not viable travel buddies because they are either going to be here for a long time, or are flying back to Sweden soon... Or they live here. I must be patient. Must remind myself that after the 2 months of continuous movement it is ok to stagnate a little. Relax. Not do anything productive or focused... I don't like the way this sounds.

I was talking to my Tibetan friend Sonam again yesterday. He was telling me more of his life story and told me that he has spent nearly 7 years of his life doing prostrations. This seemed astonishing and I asked him more. Apparently when he was 11 years old his mom got very very sick and there was nothing the doctors could do. A very powerful Lama told him to do prostrations all the way to Lhasa from their village (I think there was more to the story than this) and he and his sister did. It took 3 and a half years to go all 2800k from his village to Lhasa, doing prostrations the entire way and begging for food and water. He said his head and arms and legs got swollen and bloody and let me feel the bump on his forehead where he still doesn't have sensation. Apparently when after he made it to Lhasa his mother got a lot better, wasn't sick at all anymore, and is still healthy now. There was some reason, but I can't remember or never actually understood, why he did it again for another 3 years.

7 years!!!??!! And he wants to do it again. Not to Lhasa, but he wants to go on a pilgrimage to the Buddhist holy sites in India and spend a few months doing prostrations in each, but needs sponsorship because it is much different in India. In Tibet, people would support his efforts, and he would be given food and water everywhere he want because people understood what he was doing, but in India the context is different, and he needs money to take care of his needs. He wants to dedicate this sacrifice to freedom in Tibet and world peace. I don't think sacrifice is the word he would use.

It is hard to believe I even know this person. Even harder to believe that he seems like such a normal, sweet guy. He is of course an incredibly devout Tibetan Buddhist, and I have seen this transformation from ordinary dude to super Buddhist. When we went to the temple to get blessings from the Sakya Lama he was seemed to be in a trance mumbling mantras the entire time, and turned into a prostration machine at various points. I noticed how practiced, uniform and effortless his prostrations looked, with many subtle details repeated over and over again. I now know he has had 7 years of practice, plus doing them every day for a short period of time. All I can say is what a different life... Yet I feel like I can relate to him so well on a human to human level.

So a few days ago, on the last day the group was here in the morning, we went down to a monastery in lower Dharamsala to have an audience with the Karmapa Lama (I don't think Lama is officially in his title, people seem to call him the Karmapa) He was an interesting fellow with many interesting facial expressions. Quite quirky, and almost seemed what I sensed to be a little frustrated about answering some of our difficult questions? No, I don't think it was frustration, it was a complex set of emotions. He was very personable and endearing. Difficult to believe I was sitting with, asking questions to and receiving blessings from who will likely take over as spiritual leader of the Tibetan people after the Dalai Lama passes. He is already a great spiritual leader now. I liked his gestures and didn't perceive them as unfriendly. He didn't seem like a holy figure, but a modest guy with a great deal of knowledge and influence.

My question to him was something along the lines of this- I have met so many Tibetan people who are dealing with a great deal of sadness, and even anger. How should people deal with these emotions? Is there a direction they can be channeled so that they can be productive?

He agreed there was a great deal of sadness, and explained that Tibetans have a more spiritual way of thinking, or are at least encouraged to, and view their suffering as a part of their Karma and work with it accordingly trying to purify and generate more compassion.  He said that many people, despite their suffering, have  great deal of compassion and love because of how spiritually advanced they are...
Hmm... I've been fed this answer a lot. By Peg and Ted... By others. I still see the sadness... I still see the anger. It is real easy to get swept away by it. Iy is however this compassion he spoke of... when I was listening to a political prisoner who had been in a Chinese prison for 13 years say that originally he wanted to get revenge on his torturers, but then he came to understand that they needed their jobs to support their families and they had no other choice, and he understood and forgave them... feeling this compassion is what brought me to tears. Watching the videos of the torture and suffering harden my body and make me shiver and close off and shed tears, but the compassion is what opens me up and melts me from the core.

I took part in Tibetan uprising day (which was the day before the Karmapa), went to the temple early in the morning to hear the Dalai Lama speak, and then took the streets with the Tibetan people, shouting slogans for freedom. The slogans were in both English and Tibetan, and the march went on long enough for me to learn most of the Tibetan ones. We marched all the way from upper Dharamsala to lower Dharamsala, about 2 hours down hill. Feeling the pulse of the Tibetan people.

Yes, there is a confusing jumble of emotions surrounding my experience here in Dharamsala with the Tibetan people. Feeling them, feeling this space and being in my own story, exploring and figuring out what I want to do.How can I be supportive? How can I support myself? How can my support be strong yet malleable. How can I allow myself to be supported?

Painfully detailed. Yet not enough.

You know what one of my very first thoughts about India was? I had just stepped out of the airport and was not even close to being in the real India yet, and I peeked into a trash can. The contents were the most disgusting grime. Anything with form that could have possibly been used for any reason had already been extracted, and the remains were the most decomposed grimy waste. India certainly has a very different idea of waste than in the west. I often see people's sense of agency over their surroundings reflecting a great deal of creativity, and not being plagued by the same taboos that prevent people in the west from making the same choices. However, I don't think I could ever understand the complexities of caste and class, social order and who can do what. On my way over here I saw a man who couldn't walk scooting himself along the ground on a little scooter with wheels by his hands, which he had flip flops on. I've seen variations of this sort of thing many many times in India (however less so in Dharamsala). I wanted to learn what these people know about being human. They obviously experience it differently than me. Well... people do what they have to do. That seems pretty universal.

India hit slowly, like an acid trip. I was outside the airport, and although the people seemed different (they were Indian... not Thai after all) I was still surrounded by familiar input. Peoples paripersonal space and attitudes didn't seem out of the ordinary, and the setting wasn't too unusual. Upon getting into the cab and driving to our hotel, one by one the familiar factors faded away and the rush and flurry of India hit hard. With each new observation I was put more and more into the moment until maybe 20-30 minutes into it I had the realization that I was IN IT. There was no more familiar left. I was fully in my trip without really being aware of or tracking the process of getting there. Kolkata especially is everything... every kind of person in every stage of living and dying. The rush was absurd. Crossing the street was a huge adrenaline rush.

Being where I am now, having been in India a month and now on my own more or less, is just making me reflect on the beginning. The thought came to me a few days ago that perhaps a little part of me was born upon first getting to India. This sounds a little silly, but maybe it is true. The group left yesterday evening, and I am still here in Dharamsala. Jared and Colin are still here for a few more days in the same hotel as me, so the transition is a little gradual.

But lets see... must catch up on the last week or so. A lot has been happening. I returned from the trek early and found myself with a full day to myself, nothing planned to do, no aims, and no one from my group around (although the high school group and some of the leaders were still around). I wanted to find a friend I had met who was likely leaving the area soon, a french circus performer named Rico who Jessica and I had danced and hula hooped with before leaving on the trek. I spent most of the morning that morning walking around. I hate to admit that I was mostly just looking for him, but I really didn't have a lot else to do, and didn't know what else to be doing with myself. I eventually decided to walk to the waterfall down Bhagsu road, where I wasn't likely to find him, but I just felt like the walk and hadn't yet been to the waterfall. On my way I passed some Tibetan women selling things at the side of the road and stopped to try out some singing bowls. I've been on the hunt for the perfect singing bowl to buy (and have since then found it) and wanted to buy from a Tibetan, not someone with a shop and a lot of money. The singing bowls were overpriced and although the woman wanted to bargain with me and get my final price, I declined, telling her I didn't want to buy one for less than it was worth. There was a Tibetan boy there too, who had been walking along and stopped there while this whole transaction was happening, and then followed behind me as I continued to walk. We began talking, and he was a nice guy, spoke pretty good English. I askef him if there was a dance school this direction, because I'd heard there was, and he thought there might be, so we walked together trying to find it for a little awhile without success. After that I asked him where the waterfall was, and he said he was going that way and would walk me there. Told me he was going to a birthday part for a baby, and after walking and talking for a few more minutes he invited me to come. I decided why not, what else did I have to do?

Getting to the spot involved a river crossing and climbing on some rocks. His friends were all a little older and very nice. I wondered how they felt about a westerner at their party, and having to speak some English instead of just Tibetan, but they didn't seem to mind too much. It was really enjoyable. I played cards with them (played a game somewhat similar to poker and lost about 50 rupees), ate their homemade food and tea, and watched the little kid who was turning 3 open his presents and get blessed with Khatas. I got a chance to talk to the guy more, Sonam. He seemed like a really great person. His actions really painted him that way, anyway. He took really good care of his friends kid and seemed to have a good relationship with him. He also spoke fluent Hindi, and when an Indian man came over needing to get flowers from a tree to make Chili, Sonam climbed it for him to pick the flowers without being asked. He told me that he really thought the young should try and help the old. He was also an amazing Tanka painter and glass blower. I spent more of the day than intended at the waterfall with them, and then was invited to dinner at their house, where I ate Tibetan soup and watched a weird Korean movie.

Next day I went to Namgyal Monestary, the Dalai Lamas monastery with Sonam and his friend. He was going there to pick up a name given by the Dalai Lama for his friends baby born in Tibet. Apparently Tibetans want the Dalai Lama to name their kids often, and it is especially special for people in Tibet who don't have any official contact with the Dalai Lama. The name was Tenzin somethingorother... Apparently all the kids named by the Dalai Lama have the first name Tenzin, the Dalai Lamas name. There was also a long line in the temple to get a blessing from the Sakya Lama. I wasn't aware there was a Sakya lama, in fact I had been told there wasn't one. I think that is just what the people were referring to him as, wherein he was just the head of the Sakyapa buddhists. We waited in the line for awhile and were quickly shuffled through. Grabed, pulled over to present out Khatas, have them put around our necks and then pushed to bend over and be hit on the crown of the head with...something... by the Sakya Lama, and then shoved over to be given a red string with a knot in it and then shoved away. Sonam, who wanted to give a donation, endured much more pushing and shoving while I waited nearby still in the zone of being pushed and shoved by the masses of people going by. Have I mentioned how triggered I've become by being pushed and shoved? Many of my religious experiences in India have involved a great deal of pushing and shoving, especially at Kalighat in Kolkata to even get a glimpse at Kali's three eyes inside the temple. The intensity and fervor of people to even get close to the divine is something else.

hmmm.... More happened, not going into it.

Jessica, Max and Simon and I spent the next 2 days at a homestay in lower Dharamsala. Lower Dharamsala, unlike upper Dharamsala, is mostly Hindu, whereas upper is a mixture of Indians, Tibetans and travelers with an enormous Tibetan influence as it is the spot of the Tibetan Government in Exile and the Dalai Lama. the family was really great. Really wealthy, too, which I didn't expect. We were served Chai and good Indian food many times a day. It was an opportunity to lok more deeply into family and gender roles in Indian families. We made friends with the nephews of the family, who took us out on a walk the first night. We walked along to a temple that was tilted due to an earthquake many many years ago. We then just continued walking for several hours, in awe of the beauty and peace of the area. Probably the most peaceful place I've been in all of India! It almost didn't make sense. The boys walking with us were great, too. Really funny, good at making us laugh.

The next day we took a bus to another spot in lower Dharamsala to work in a slum on a project that a Tibetan Monk started called the Tong Lin project. Taking a local bus on our own was quite the adventure, standing up and holding on on the windy roads in a crowded orange bus with blaring baliwood music, Krishna at the wheel. It was excellent! Once we got off, getting to the slum was the next challenge. Indian directions are absolutely ineffective. We had to ask every 20 meters or so to ensure we were going the right way, and were still misdirected many many times. I think part of it also has something to do with the nature of what we were trying to find, a slum. Something cast off to the collective unconscious, a blind area for most people, I discovered. Many people were either unaware of or unwilling to tell us where it was. We eventually found it and worked with the whole group on painting the inside of the school to make a positive learning environment.

Well, I think I've exhausted too much of my internet time, so I'll have to finish this later. Maybe eventually my blogging will actually catch up with the present moment.

Must write an adequate blog entry soon, but now is not the time.

The chants of another candle light procession for freedom in Tibet sooth my bones. The spirit of Tibet is quite a beautiful one, evn in exile, and sometimes more than I can handle.

I am still in Dharamsala. The group left about an hour ago. This is quite a big transition, traveling alone now. I intend to take it slow, relax and decompress from the 2 solid months of travel and continuous movement. The challenge will be staying upbeat and in the flow and finding good external regulators in this enviornment, but really, the underlying challenge is to allow myself to be whoever I am in the moment, even when this things don't go according to plan A (stay in the flow). Hopefully I can work with what comes up in a positive way that moves me towards greater enjoyment and self realization on this crazy adventure.

I look forward to writing about what I've been doing over the past few days. They've been pretty exciting and amazing. Should have plenty of time tomorrow to get online.

17k and one nauseating car ride later...

Seeing as I am here typing and not on a mountain right now you may conclude that I did not finish the trek. We hiked 17k today and by the time I got up there I was in pretty bad shape. It didn't really hit until that last little bit, though. Up until then it was beautiful! I love being up in the mountains. I had no idea how much I've missed nature and quiet traveling in India for nearly a month now. A little disappointed to not be up there now, but then again, if I were I would likely still be experiencing the worst migraine and other mind altering experiences.

Perhaps I'll try again some day, or get up for some day hikes. I'll have plenty of time... which brings me to this... I'm staying in India. I'm not flying back to Thailand just yet, but rather I plan to stay here for awhile. I'd like to stay in Dharamsala and go deeper in this wonderful place, and a friend I met who just came from the south recommended some places in the south. We'll see how adventurous I get. Wow... I can't believe I'm staying in India.

Heat

Ideas begin to take shapes as realities. I have been thinking about staying in Dharamsala. Perhaps not long, but longer than the group. Staying here instead of going back to Thailand. In terms of time money it is really rather inconsequential where I stay, it is all a matter of personal comfort, and I feel really good here. There are so many avenues I would like to dive deeper into, so many ways I could really be beneficial and so many things to learn here. Worth spending some extra time... It is still India, however... Need to think about it more.

what a day what a day what a day... Gold mines and experiences that have really shaken me up and made me question my intuition. What is this place? All the shifting. All the seeming like a great magical place and then seeing it for what it is... maybe not so great, a false prophet, the good mixed with the mundane, the typical and the predatory.  But it is still a great place encompassing all that, because it really makes me face my shit. It really forces me to be intentional and careful and mindful. Forces me to be strong and to protect myself. Protect my awe and wonder. Protect my innocence. Protect my belief and only extend it in truly worthy moments... but it this the way to go? For India I think so.

The old... and the new.

Ok, going to try and reproduce some of the mysteriously dissappearing writings...

 

I think thew street dogs say a great deal about a place. Every place we've gone has had street dogs that are pretty similar, but have had slightly different characteristics. The characteristics of the dogs on the street give hints into the nature of the city, its traffic, how animals and people of a lower class are treated, and what its streets can sustain. in E Wi Jo, the rural Karen village in Thailand, the dogs were smaller and all looked simiral as they likely all breed with each other. They knew their place perfectly in their society, and knew the schedule for meals far better than the humans did. in India they have been slightly larger, and in various states of mange. in some cities they were cleaner than others. In Amritsare they were clean, but many had injuries. Only 3 legs, or severely broken legs. Amritsar does have some of the most intense traffic, and in its absense of cows people seem to drive faster and more carelessly.

 

The street dogs in Dharamsala are big fluffy golden retrievers, and other breeds of big fluffy dogs. They seem, for the most part, clean and well cared for, and I didn't even really believe they were street dogs at first. You can't even imagine what this says about Dharamsala... or maybe you can.

 

The mountain air is cool and fresh, and the city is a beautiful meshing of cultures.

 

Other notable things to mention would be the Sihk Golden temple in Amritsar. It was amazing, probably my  favorite temple in India, which is unexpected. The atmosphere is filled with surreal Godly chanting accompanied by Tabla, and as you circle around and enter across the water into the temple, you realize it is live, being sung and played by Sikh Holy men to a meditating, holy book reading audience. The temple has many levels, and the atmosphere is conducive to stay awhile, sit and absorb the good juju, to look up onto the ceiling at all tmirrors reflecting the godliness in you back to you. And of course you can visit the book and say hello to the living prophit that is the text, constantly being read until it is cerimoniously put to bed each night in its luxurious bed, and woken up each morning to continue the saga.

 

The people in Amritsar are very open and friendly, even the women. They were, however, very in your face. It is afterall India. We were stopped many times to have our pictures taken, or had our pictures discreetly taken on cellphone cameras. I don't think they see many white tourists, and many of them are Sikh tourists themself from all over. Maybe its just nice for them to see westerners enjoying their culture and traditions, as the Sikhs have not always had the kindest reception.

 

Amritsar, and all the movement and traveling for many days without staying in one place really took it out of me. I wrote in my journal that traveling is like riding a tiger. The illusion that you illicit control over the wave is broken, you're just riding it.

 

Couldn't meet it, couldn't meet India's gaze, don't know what it wants from me, but it just me it wants. The smiles of wellmeaning strangers are met by shielding of my heart, missing thimity of my cold culture, the curtain sending a haze over everyone's eyes (or perhaps the freedom I have with my friends to be transparent about when I have nothing to give and need space). I have a giant target on my head that peoples eyes pierce into. What exactly do they seeking pictures of? (And what exactly do they do with the pictures?)

 

I like the trains. When I put in earplugs and a sleep mask everything melts into vibrations and the universe rocks me to sleep. I also take speel aids, so I don't get woken up to people shouting "Chaiiii!!" in my face at 2 in the morning like some. My luck has been good so far, and I have not had the familiar travel misfortunes cross my path that some others have had. Except sickness, of course.

 

Perhaps in Dharamsala I am rejuvinated and have more energy to meet the world again. I at first blow people in the street off, thinking that they are just trying to sell me something, like everyone else, and they are, but blowing them off would have been a mistake. I've made some nice connections here. A guy talked to me for a few hours about studying Tibetan medicine, and his journey from Tibet to Dharamsala as he watched over his and DVD stand from across the street. He never once suggested I should buy anything from him, he just wanted to talk to me and was happy to share. His journey over the mountains from village in Tibet to the border of Nepal took 27 days.

 

I've also gone to an English conversation group to teach English to more recently arrived refugees, where I've heard more peoples stories about the journey here. I'm excited to make more connections and deepen the ones I've already made. The time here doesn't feel long enough. Even though we are in one spot for longer than we have been on this entire trip, we are still moving around a lot, and it still isn't nearly enough to delve in significantly into the culture. Anything I could really extract would be about as much information as a wikipedia article.

So this is interesting and I probably should have started with this... I was walking around yesterday, the day of Holy, the color holiday (or perhaps the day after, it is a little unclear) wearing clothes I didn't care about looking for people throwing color and not finding anyone, and then I see a group of westerners throwing color, and I recognize one of the as Ryann, the fairhaven student on the adventure learning grant. I knew she was in India, but I didn't think we'd be able to meet up. I had no idea where she was. It was pretty unreal to run into her, and then get completely covered in Rasta colors by her and her friends. We talked for awhile and made plans to meet up later, which fell through. Still don't exactly know what happened with that, and now she's gone (was only here for a day), but it was awesome seeing her only for a short time.

And this is even more difficult to believe. Chris from this group ran into another person from Bellinham, who I wasn't sure I knew at first, but then ran into later and indeed know through living at the forest house and through friends. His name is Justin Gere. That was completely insane and unpredictable because I had absolutely no idea this guy was in India, or even traveling at all, and here is is in Dharamsala. Seriously, this isn't normal. There really is something about Bellingham, it also has a strong connection to India and Hinduism. In some ways it doesn't surprise me that I've run into 4 Bellinghamsters despite the odds. Jason, who I knew I'd see, because village studues had previously arranged for him to work with us while he is also on the Adventure Learning Grant... Pat, who I took Religion and Society in India with last quarter and made plans to meet up with in Varanasi awhile back while we were still in class, Ryann and Justin... crazy crazy crazy...

I have started and stopped this blog entry 3 times now since I began, saving it in my drafts each time, so new things have been developing throughout the day. I was in a very confused haze about my project for awhile, but I talked to Alex today and really cleared things up. I am going to attempt to dive into Tibetan medicine a bit, getting a background in it from reading (bought a hefty book today, been talking to a Tibetan friend previously mentioned who is studying it, etc), going to Tibetan doctors and massage therapists and having check ups myself and work done, evaluating how I feel about it in my own experience, and talk to individuals who both do and do not use Tibetan medicine about their experiences with it, and their beliefs about their bodies and their health. I can't dive too deeply into Tibetan medicine itself, but I can get an overall sense of people's interactions with it, how it makes them feel over their bodies, how they construct agency over their bodies, their beliefs and how they differ from western beliefs and my own personal beliefs and experiences, etc. That is the hope.

Oh man, I think I am making a really nice connection with the Tibetan guy I've mentioned. Jessica and I just had tea with him and a monk friend of his and had a really fruitful conversation. He's a really smart guy. Well hmm... glad I have more direction. Don't want to leave Dharamsala... what else is new.

I fear I may be sucked into commerce quite a bit while I'm here in Dharamsala. There is just so much nice stuff to buy. Clothes, art, jewelry, Buddhist paraphanalia. I want to take the advice of Scot and buy my entire wordrobe here. (What bizarre advice from Scot)

 

Ironic to be thinking of shopping after listening to the Dalai Lama's teachings this morning. Woke up at 6:30 to go down to the temple and get a good seat for them. Needed a radio for the English translation. John had a radio on his voice recorder but no headphones and I had headphones, so it worked out perfectly. Amazing...

 

I'm covered in colored powder for Holy, which is tomorrow, but people are starting early. Bummed to lose that blog entry yesterday, but I guess in the grand scheme of things it isn't that important.

I just spent an hour on a blog entry about Dharamsala and the last few days and it is gone. Oh the impermanence of all things... and the frustration of clinging on.

I'm not liking Agra very much. but we're not here long. Really it is just a place to chill. I think the ratio of meters walked to amount of times harassed to buy something or go in a shop, etc. is the lowest of any place we've gone so far, but hey, theres still time for this to be beaten. I'm pretty tired of it at the moment. My whols soma needs a break and then perhaps I'll have some renewed tolerance for it. As just one too many rickshaw drivers confronted me I found myself hissing at one of them rather animalistically. It was pretty hilarious, actually. It cracked him up.

 

We did a night train last night from Varanasi to Agra. 2nd class sleeper this time, a class below what we did before. Main differences were size of beds, clenliness, lack of bedding provided for beds, and chai wallahs in the middle of the night. I slept pretty well, actually. We had to sleep with our packs with us on our beds for extra security. With already very little room I wasn't pleased about this bud defised an ingenious way to strap it to the ceiling fan and bars so it dangled above me and off over the aisle. I saw the Taj Mahal this morning when I was still somewhat asleep, in fact I have spent most of the day in a state where if I close my eyes I'll begin dreaming about things people just said. Seeing the Taj was pretty surreal. Definitely cool, too bad theres nothing else to do in this town.

 

Had a lovely final day in Varanasi yesterday, will miss it much.

movement movement movement... and suddenly everything stops

Busy day planned for the day so long as my body does not decide to alter the plan. I am running a little behind schedule already for my scheduled internet time, but now that I'm here, paying double what I should for internet, I might as well stick around a little awhile. After this I plan to pop over to the University and interview students. I want to ask questions about how the caste system affects body image, and how individuals feel in their body and the agency they view over their bodies. How Hinduism affects relationship with the body, also how myth affects the day to day life, and how all the constant sensory input changes the way they experience their bodies. Who knows what sort of answers I'll get, or if I'll even be able to make a connection. After that I plan to meet my friend on the roof of the hotel. I have a friend from a class here in Varanasi, I knew he was going to be here, and was trying to connect and last night I ran into him on the street. Always bizarre to see a familiar face on the other side of the world, even when you somewhat expect it. Then at 4 I plan to meet Raju to see the silks he made by hand. I want to get a scarf for my mom (thats right mom, for you! What color do you want? I kind of doubt that you'll be able to respond before I get one, however) Then he will take us to get astrology readings.

 

Ok, so consider this series of events that may or may not be related for a moment. Yesterday afternoon I went to the Kirtan place Raju showed me. It was all religious men there when I first walked in, and they invited me to sit with them and gave my symbols to play. They seemed delighted I was there, and even more so when I knew the words. Jaya jaya sita ram... pretty easy. They were all delighted, that is, except for one of them. An older man in orange robes. He kept scowling at me. Was not satisfied with how I played the symbols and kept correcting me, and just never seemed to be very happy withmy presence. He seemed pretty happy to eventually forcefully take the symbols away from me when I was taking a picture, as one of the men indicated for me to do. I pretty much tried to ignore this fellow, everyone else seemed really happy I was there, and there were even some other tourists who came in to sing too, who probably did way worse than me, but this guy still singled me out to scowl at. Finally I left, gave a 50 ruppee donation and walked away. He seemed happy about the donation. I walked back towards the hotel and out to the ghats, and as I was trying to find the ayervedic massage and yoga place Raju showed me, I swear I saw the same guy in the orange robes. Now it must have been someone else, but it seriously looked like the same guy, and he looked at me with a knowing expression, scowled at me again and said something in Hindi that sounded like a curse. I then tried to find the ayervedic place and couldn't find it. It seriously isn;t possible for me to have not been able to find it, it was so obvious, but yet it was completely absent to me, and within 20 seconds of seeing that dude I suddenly had an attack of stomach cramps and needed to rush back to the hotel. An unrelated chain of events of a connected story? Up for you to decide, I suppose. I have my feelings about it. A really interesting book I purchased yesterday with several psychological journals on Indian identity was talking about how the causal reality of many Indian's lives are dictated by myth in ways it would be difficult for an observer to understand.

 

This country seems incredibly psychic. Street vendors laugh at me as I try to make it back in time. They don't seem to laugh at me other times...

 

Went to a performance yesterday night. First citar and tabla followed by traditional kathak dance. An Indian man asked me for some of my water to take a pill, which really threw me off. It went against all the subconscious health precautions I took on coming to this country, and I accidently made a scowling face at him. "Problem?" has asked? I said no, and indicated for him not to put his lips on the bottle. He said of course, and drank. I then found out this man was a pretty famous musician, whom the musicians playing for us were very honored to have as an audience member. Geez, of course. I hoped for the next few seconds that I didn't make too much of an ass of myself and proceeded to have my leg fall asleep several times during the performance to jolt and knock down my waterbottle on the fellows leg. Not open, of course.

 

The dance was awesome! I had some huge insights for my project while watching it. J9 mind, you've done it again! Observed and oicked up pieces for about a week now while not seeming to do much at all, and then bang, a concept is formed and all the pieces organize themself around it beautifully. Good, I was worried I wasn't doing anything! I made some big connections between the relationship between myth and embodiment. Hinduism has this huge cast of characteristics prevalent in the univer to choose from to embody. They move through individuals and mobilize them, and I believe one's relationship with their body in this lifestyle has something to do with being able to allow myths, stories and energies to fluidly move through them when they need to. The dance was really about that. Embodying gods and goddesses and telling stories with the body. Beautiful.

No problem

So I think I have made my tentative return date May 1st. I may or may not already have a plane ticket booked for this day from Thailand. Who knows, I could change it again. I am quite torn about whether to stay longer or go home earlier. Lot of compelling reasons for both, really.

My health condition does not seem to be improving. I don't know how to make my body better, which really bothers me. I don't know what it needs. It doesn't seem to be able to process food and derive the nutritional benefits from it. I don't know if I even want to think of the somatic implications of not being able to process. So much formation... no metabolization. I run into this problem a lot, don't I. Started a course of antibiotics today. I hate taking antibiotics, but yet I think this is the right step from here. India is a whole different playing field.

Had a fun morning this morning as I ignored my health. Raju, who is now a 18, but Peg and Ted have known him since he was a little boy, took Jessica and I out. I met him this morning as I was crying a little due to not being able to get a handle on my health. He got me Chai and got a black string from his friends Jewelry stand and wrapped it around my wrist, telling me it would protect against black magic. He then showed me the bookstore I was trying to find, which was not yet open, and took me to buy red ochre for Aurora, which I have had no clue how to find until now. I also asked him about Yoga, and he took me to his Yoga and massage guru. He told me it was exactly a one minute and twenty eight second walk. He gave me exact amounts of time like that for every place we went, but said the times only applied to Indians, who walk faster. He also told me not to run across the street as we crossed, because iut confuses people. When we walk they calculate it. Indian driving seems to mak a lot of sense. The guru was away, but hopefully I'll go back, do yoga, massage, maybe an interview for my project. On our way back we ran into Jessica, and she wanted to wander with us. I determined I felt well enough to wander and he took us alang the ghats for a little ways and then up to the water temple. He said on one day a year, couples who have not yet been able to have children come from all over and they open it up for people to come baith. It gets so crowded there is absoluty nowhere to stand. As of now, we could only look at the inner well, not go in. Really incredible place. He then asked if we wanted to go to the Hanuman temple, which was a 20 minute walk, which we did. That temple was really cool. So much going on inside, monkeys everywhere, people lining up to make offerings, people singing mantras, people sitting and reading mantras... People are also so willing to come up to you and tell you all about it.

Quite easy to just get swept away in Varanasi. Wish we had more time here. Raju also told us about getting Astrology readings, and Kirtan. He took me to a place where people come for Kirtan all day. Raju is the best. I really trust that what he is showing is the real deal. Jessica and I (hopefully... health permitting) are going to see traditional Kathak dance tonight. So much going on, no time to be sick.

Perhaps Sarnath is a reflective place, but this only becomes apparent when you leave.

Dead bodies floating on the Ganges. I made friends with a cow in Sarnath. It has a splinted leg, and I really wonder who splinted the leg, a Jain perhaps? It just wanders, finds places to sit, sometimes convenient places where its nicely out of the way, sometimes places absolutely in the middle of everything, and people just seem to find their way around him. When I met the cow I pet its head and it seemed to like it. It seemed to approach me in a way these cows seem to have no interest in doing. People are merely moving, constantly changing scenery to them. Anicca. This cow seems to be more observant, maybe even more interactive. I saw it in the road once, in the way, being honked at by cars and hurrying to get out of the way, picking up its injured leg to hobble out of the way.

 

Hmm... I didn't realize I was going to write a paragraph about a cow. But the least I can say is that the cows certainly have a presence in India. In the short time I've ben sitting here, I've heard moos, carhorns, dogs, cats, marching bands, voices, motorcycles and autorickshaws... and who knows what else. I try to capture a little piece, a picture, a voice recording, a video (hey, did I tell you my video camera started working again in Thailand?), a piece of writing, and just as I do India seems to slip away from me, melting into what could be any other country, any other place on earth. The organic, organized chaotic weaving of bikes, autorickshaws, bicycle rickshahws, carefree yet determined pedestrians, motorbikes, cars, delivery carts and cows seems to melt away into any normal street when I pull out my camera. India cannot be captured, it cannot be seperated, extracted and implanted into a meme that can travel anywhere, perhaps it is a phenomena that can only be here, and must only be here, happening right now in this place. It is somewhat of a trip to think about the fact that all the while I've been living my life, going about my business in the states, India has always been here doing its thing. Jessica didn't seem to get what I meant when I tried to explain that one to her, and maybe the feeling defies logic.

 

So we have finally busted out of Mother Theresa's sick American ward in Sarnath and returned tgo Varanasi for the weekend, where we're staying at Assi ghat this time, further down the ghats. Its a different area with a different vibe, and I haven't really gotten out to fel the pulse yet. We just got here this afternoon. My first order of business was eat, since I didn't do that all morning due to what could have happenbed on the ride over here if I had... :/ Then I showered in what miiiight have been Ganges water piped in... ehhh... probably wasn't, but it seemed to have a funk.

 

Did the homestay again last night, didn't sleep much but had a lot of fun! Jessica, Tiphany and I tried on our Saris. Yes, thats right, I got a Sari. I looked like an Indian Goddess in it. People have been telling me that I look indian lately. "You are looking Indian."  The guy at the sari shop told me I looked like Indira Ghandi in it, and took modelesque pictures of me. I shall now proceed to look up a picture of her, as I know who she is but not of her appearance.... AND THE VERDICT IS: hmm, not too offended but it really depends on if he was referring to the young Indira or the old Indira.

 

Well, over the next few days I will attempt to soak up as much Varanasi as possible. I love it here. I also must pursue my project... somehow. I haven't a clue how to pursue my project in India... all the clarity I got in Thailand, especially in the Karen village doesn't really seem to apply here at all. I am also not in a very scholastic mindset. I think my logical thinking mind is a bit too overwhelmed to come up with much, there is so much going on. Well... that in itself likely presents a direction... Now off to follow the wind. The wind that wafts the most tantilizing delicious and the most putrid foul smells... at the same time.

Sick in Sarnath

We are dropping like flies, only to momentarilly rise up and fall again. In Sarnath, and everyone in our group (yes... every single one of us) has gotten sick in some way shape or form in the last 72 hours, most of us remain pretty sick and pathetic. It doesn't help that right now we share one big dorm room and even better, one bathroom that frequently runs out of water. Its a par-tay if I ever did see one.

We're in Sarnath, which is a little outside Varanasi, but has a very different fen real lifehe location where the Buddhe gave his first sermon, and there is a genetically identical copy of the Bode tree planted at the location. Also a big important site for Jains as well. We've been working in schools that a man named Dr. Jain set up for children of the untouchable caste who would not otherwise have access to any education. There is one large school with 7 or so smaller satellite schools in villages.

On the first day, there were only 5 of us who could move, so we went out. The plan was to be in groups of at least 2, but with so few of us, we each were dropped at a village school completely on our own. So yes, dropped off to suddenly have 20 kids ages 3-6 staring at me and about 30 villages staring at me, "translators" who didn't actually speak a word of english, no plan, no idea when I was actually going to be picked up, and who knows what kind of expectations. Its like one of those things you would have a bad dream about, or that would happen in a movie but would never actually happen in real life. I was garlanded with flowers and got red powder on my forehead which fell all over my nose, so I had a very red face for the entire day. I had pretty much no idea what to do... Some of the kids were made to touch my feet out of respect, which pretty much made every one of them cry.

We started with the English alphabet once the teacher figured out I had no idea what I was doing, then the Hindi alphabet. I had them teach me a little Hindi. I of course didn'tretain any of it. We did a little simple math, then I tried to get students to draw pictures. I started drawing on the board and wanted them to draw with me, but they would just draw what I drew on their little chalkboards. Finally the idea got across to a few of the 15 year olds in the village, and I got this boy, who was a little smartass, to come up and draw with me. His smartasseyness worked in my favor, and I drew a ridiculous picture of him with octopus tenticles on the board, which seemed to make everyone laugh. The kids then ran around and played, and took me on a little walk around the garden. Pulling out a camera also works wonders. The kids LOVE looking at pictures of themselves on the screen. When all else fails that will always work.

Many forced cultural experiences. Lots of being up in front of kids or young adults with no idea what to do. Getting tired of it. I don't think this particular project is being very well orchestrated. I am bothered by Dr. Jain's style, as well. He just chooses people and demands they make a statement rather than allowing people to volunteer. He does that both to the Indian kids and to us. "Colin will say something, now..." "ohh... ok." I am projecting all over a Jain... what must that say about my psyche?

I did a homestay the night before last. I loved it, the family was so nice. I was too sick to do it again last night, and I imagine I won't be up for it tonight, either. It was the same family Lauren and Robin stayed with last year, and loved.

I was again shoved in front of a class of kids yesterday, and it didn't go nearly as well. I didn't have much energy. Haven't been eating. I look forward to when I can eat again, and hope Indian food hasn't been ruined for me, but I fear it might. It sounds like just about the least appitizing thing to me right now.

melaga

What to even begin to write about India? Feels impossible. What an amazing amazing place. giant mirror, though. Amazing sense that unimaginable things are possible, but it all depends on what you put out.

We arrived in Varanasi the day of Shivaratri.The streets were mostly closed down for the festivities later that night, so we took packed auto rickshaws from the train station as far as we could. I had no idea that many people and backpacks could fit in an auto rickshaw and I imagine even more could if we really got creative and cramped. The walk was fast paced first through the main street and then through a maze of alleyways. There were infinite people lined up for Shivaratri who had been lined up for likely a full day already. Little unclear exactly what they were lining up for, but it certainly had something to do with the holiday and making pilgrimage to temples and the like. Much attention of all kinds being directed at us, Om nama shivaya.Our hotel overlooks the Ganges. I think maybe I want to bathe in the Ganges today? Just my feet perhaps?

We all went out for Shivaratri in the evening despite hearing that it wouldn't be possible for the women over and over again. The plan was for us all to walk to an ice cream shop and for the women to watch from above and for the men to go out in little shifts, and perhaps if it were safe enough escort women out and act as bodyguards. This isn't what ended up happening. On our way, we got caught up in the procession, and we all were in the middle of it, men making a human shield aroiund the women, having the times of our lives and just going with it, flowing with the dangerously uninhibited Indian collective unconscious. I had a great time! I was strategically placed and got a lot of positive attention and a lot less grabbing and groping than the rest of the women. At the point at which the chaos got to be too much, it dispersed and passed.

I no longer feel I can recount events in chronological order.

I've been watching bodies burn at the particular ghat where they do that. That was something I knew I had to do in Varanasi. I went 3 times, and I think the first 2 I wasn't really ready to see anything, so my subconscious stopped me from actually being able to see anything, even though it was all around me. I saw fires and ash, but nothing recognizably human. On my third visit, after standing around and again seeing nothing, the extent to which death was all around me finally set in. The mangled burning flesh entered my field of vision, bones being tossed in the water, dogs poking around for the remains, ash, mourners, chanting, smoke. The ground around me I realized was likely covered on bodily remains, and an awareness of how full the water must have been came to me as well. I made my way on to see the city in all of its other many stages of life, as well, being passed on the way by many processions of people carrying bodies wrapped in colorful cloths to the funeral pyres, chanting together and not seeming all that somber, simply with an awareness that all life eventually goes in that direction.

I escaped some bad odds this morning. I was invited to dinner at a Brahman's house last night, and the 3 other people I was with are all sick this morning.This began yesterday morning where I went out alone in the morning, awoken early by the bustling sounds of the city, incredibly eager to get out there! Being out alone certainly made me more of a target, I was followed by all kind of people. Do you want a boat? Why not, very cheap! Hashish? Chai? Where you from, what country? Where do you go? Do you need help? Won't you come and see my silk shop? Very cheap, 100% real silk. Please, I'd like it if you'd stop following me. I'm not following you. Its all rather harmless, though. I found myself wandering through the maze into a little square where I saw a man speaking sign language and immediately thought of Jessica. I asked a man, who happened to be the Brahman man I spoke of, if this man was deaf. He was one of the Brahman's nephews, and I told him I had someone I wanted to introduce to him who was studying sign language and deaf culture. The fact that I was actually able to find my way back to the hotel and back there with Jessica and Sophie was pretty amazing. In a weird way I haven't had much of a sense of direction in any other city we've been in, but in a city with total chaos and no rhyme or reason I kind of intuitively get it.

We returned and met the same Brahman man, who took us into his house, which was in a 7 story building his family owned, and introduced us to an entire deaf family, whom Jessica was able to communicate with with a mixture of sign languages. We had Chai with them, the best Chai I've had in India this far (which is saying a hell of a lot!) and asked lots of questions about Hinduism while Jessica and her new friends communicated in a flurry of signing. Sophie and I were taken up to the roof to admire an incredible view of the whole city, and were all invited back to dinner, where we were served amazing Coconut filled chapatis. We all had the very Indian experience of eating to our bursting point and not being able to get out host to stop filling our plates again.

 

silk shops, getting ripped off again and again, thinking we were in some way not ripped off and had finally beaten the system only to find they got us again, or perhaps the ones telling us we've been cheated are lying?

 

Must go, we go to Sarnath today and I want to take a walk before coming back to shower and pack. The city awaits!
 

I cannot yet even begin to convey it in writing, I just want to be out in it every minute.

...wow!

All I can say at this point is that India is like the most amazing place ever.

India Tomorrow

And so the adventure continues with a flight to India tomorrow morning. Very early tomorrow morning, I should mention, which brings on a immensity of feelings, all rather subdued. I think it was only yesterday that I cognitively realized we were leaving so soon, the transitions are continuous. The only constant. I do feel ready, I feel ready for just about anything, in fact.

Hard to exactly make sense of what I'm feeling tonight. This trip has been pretty shattering so far, but not at a rate that I can't handle. being in such unfamiliarity (yet familiarity) leaves me feeling that I'm missing some part of myself, that some part of me still resides in Bellingham with my community. I am trying to let go of feeling that way. Pull back into myself and realize how complete I am right now, because the fact of the matter is even if I went home right now everything would be different. People are off traveling, situations aren't the same, everything is constantly changing and there is nothing to cling onto. If I place a part of myself so far outside of myself as to rely on certain situations for it to be a reality than it isn't really mine, and perhaps never was to begin with? I am trying to recognize the fact that I am complete right now, and have access to all my resources and all parts of me. I especially need to become familiar with this fact considering that I have at least a few months more travel in front of me, and I need to be solid.

This is a tough one to l learn especially as I start to feel my social skills polarize and diminish. For example, I met a fire circus from all over the place the other day that performed and did workshops in the refugee camps. I sat down and talked to a few of them for awhile, and then went over to their guesthouse that evening while they had a poi workshop and I found it really hard to connect with them. I've been interacting with the same people for a month now and perhaps and losing some versatility. At the same time I gain versatility at making communication in intercultural situations.

Can't believe it has already been so long, the thought of going back to the US feels increasingly more depressing. Not the people, however. I am realizing more and more how incredibly lucky I am! My community situation is a very rare one I think, I don't know if most people have become accustomed to feeling as met and supported as I do in a regular basis at home.

I feel very ready for India. I've been so excited for such a long time. it feels difficult, however, to formulate solid intentions. I am beginning to see the extent to which intentions are a huge guiding force when traveling. The universe certainly provides in a myriad of creative ways.

The first image is some puppies having their way with me at the village. The next is a temple in mae sot and the lines are bats, it was a long exposure. The next is the head man of the village, picture taken after I interviewed him and the last is the ESP classroom in Meala. I added a few pictures to old posts as well, so take a look.

Meala

Hmm.. lets see, what to disclose and what not to disclose. It seems that all the best adventures go somewhat below the legal radar.

We went to the Burmese refugee camp today. By we I mean a group of 6 of us with Jared (which is a large group of Farang to go unnoticed). After working with Burmese refugees who were ESP students (ESP refers to engineering study program) for the microhydro project many of us became interested in Burmese issues. The camp was about an hour ride from Maesot. Jared devised what probably had been a solid plan, but we didn't have a cell phone with us. I believe the plan was something along the lines of calling our contacts inside once we were close and having them meet us at an entrance and going in, but without a phone we didn't know where to get off. Then we had to ask to use a cell phone, which made us very apparent to the authorities.

Our friends that we knew from the inside met us outside and we were able to uhh...find a way in. It was an interesting place to be. We were stared at a great deal inside, which doesn't surprise me. We went and saw the ESP school and interviewed the teachers. The school is a pretty competitive program. Only 60 students get in per year, and we asked what kind of opportunities completing the program offered to students, but considering that most of the students don;t have UN approved refugee status and there is basically no chance at resettlement, and there is no opportunity to work inside the camp, there isn't really anything they get to do with their education. It still seems very important however that they be empowering themselves through higher education, but since there is no where to go from there the situation feels very hopeless. I could feel the frustration from them.They can't leave the camp. Most of them had been there for years and years. The place is completely packed.

It doesn't look like an entirely unpleasant place to be. People have built their oen houses and it seems like the community is very tight knit and close, and there was a nice vibe in the air, music being played. It basically felt like a huge, completely overcrowded village. People generally seem to make the best of a bad situation, and the situation inside the camp is likely alot better than where they came from.

We had the chance to ask the teachers many questions and meet some of the students. We were able to look at their textbooks and see what they were doing, and hopefully will be able to provide them with more up to date textbooks. The engineering textbooks werefrom the 60's.

I'm still processing what it felt like to be there. How can over 140,000 people all live there and not be able to leave? It is such a huge privilege to be able to move freely in the world, and I'm having the opportunity to look at all sorts of different factors that inhibit that movement for most of the world. I didn't exactly know how I would respond to that upon seeing it. There definitely is some guilt that I experience. Some responsibility. At the same time I can't get too carried away with that. There are many things I have that people all over the world don't, but many things they have that I'll never have. Perhaps much truer and more pure wealth than anything I have.

I really did enjoy talking to people in there, and it felt pretty badass to sneak in and out. Getting out was almost harder than getting in, although I don't think the consequences for getting caught would have been all that severe.

I think people from my group are getting more real. Experiences like the Karen village and this are certainly shattering to the ego, although it does a lot to fight back. I think, after being with the same group for so long, I'm beginning to lose my social skills.

More about the Karen village

The Karen village was a lot to process. I can't even begin to put it into words. I felt the feeling that I didn't want to leave at the end. It wasn;t so much a genuine feeling, but I at that point had hardly dove in. I was justbeginning to breach another layer and feel safe enough to go in more, interact with the locals, be present, make an effort to speak another language and have intercultural communication and really see what opportunities were there. I hardly know anything about the people, I just touched the surface and they hardly know anything about me. There is so much more that could have been exchanged.

 

The women seem to have different sounds to get animals away, and sometimes they seemed to yell at the kids a tiny bit more than I wondered was warrented. It was their tone more than anything that surprised me, their strength and the temporary deviation from their quiet, compassionate demeanor. hmm, their publicbreastfeeding and their compassionate childraising.

 

The kids are very loud and very alive, constantly discovering the power of their voices. Their playful screams and their anguished cries fill the village from morning until night as they learn their own inner strength.

 

I did at one point find myself throwing a stick at a rooster. They get going around 3:30 am and carry on all morning, making sure to get as close to you as possible. They stop several hours after sunrise and seemed to briefly resume again in late afternoon, making sure no one stays asleep after the afternoon lull.

 

I at one point witnessed an old woman carrying a huge bundle of sticks suspended fromher head across a river with quite a heavy current. Their ideas about bodies are so rooted in what they have to do, and what they have to do is so tied into where they are, and serving the basic needs of the community as dictated by the enviornment.

 

Bamboo foot bridges, pinky toes coming out of sandals, squatting, spitting, beetlenut, red stained teeth, power of the old women!, beautiful handwoven textiles, pounding flour, woman somewhat isolated in the house all day, soccer and that weird hackysackvolleyball game and how all the kids completely kick ass at it!, the extreme politeness of the kids who whenever they saw us would stop, put their hands together and say Sawadee ka (Thai for hello, thai is not these kids native langauge). Everytime. Just how fast information travels, kids carrying smaller kids on their backs, motorbikes on almost any surface, thr animals fear of humans, the dogs absolutely know the meal schedule and are always on time, intense calf muscles, that old woman's haircut, momma dog barking at me, orion's belt.

I have perhaps realized the true value of willful ignorance as a coping mechanism

I have returned from the Karen village. It was a time of a lot of reflection.

We went incredibly deep into the jungle outside of Maesat to do a microhydro electric dam installation to provide a Karen village with electricity. We were working with an NGO called BGET (Border green energy team) and Engineering students from Burma who live in a refugee camps outside Maesat called Maela.

Events are all blending together, but I believe it was the second night there I got really sick. I likely had a fever of 102 or so and laid in the house not being able to move, completely miserable. The fever broke in a day, and after that it became more along the lines of a cold. It was an intense experience to have a body malfunction away from civilization.

The entire village must have known I was sick, too. I didn't realize that at the time. As I laid there sweltering hot and delirious I felt very isolated, a feeling I often feel when sick, but the next day when I was feeling a bit better and moving about, the level of acknowledgment I got from the villagers was astonishing. People were pointing amd smiling, and I could just tell by the looks in their eyes that they had known I was sick, and were glad I was better.

The whole village experience was very , confusing and amazing. Only a few spoke Thai, the rest only spoke Karen, so any language interaction had to be translated from english to Thai to Karen. I was able to do an interview with a man who spoke Thai, who I later found out was the head man of the whole village, and a very important person to the Karen as a whole (which there are 7 million of). He was incredibly down to earth and funny and very willing to talk about anything.

I didn't get the chance to do a whole lot of work on the dam due to sickness. I had to take it easy. I really enjoyed the work I did do, however. It was really rewarding. There are a lot of ethical issues around supplying the tribe with power, however. The power is technically for the school, the temple and the church, however it will produce far more than that. The village had a previous microhydro dam installed 8 years ago that failed. I heard (and what i heard might be skewed through translation and other people's various biases) that with the input of power 8 years ago people started getting televisions. The televisions and access to the western world started creating desires beyond basic needs that could be fulfilled by the village, and people began going out to the cities and buying more, they sought out solar panels from the government (which 40 of the houses now have) set up a small very basic village store, and improved their roads so there is now better access to the cities (better is a relative term, however). This microhydro installation will give more opportunities for television watching.

While this village is still pretty isolated and fairly in tact culturally, it is sad to see them go the way of just about everyone else towards towards globalization, but I don't have a completely one sided view of this issue.


I'm still having a lot of trouble with this group of people I'm with. I'm experiencing a pretty frequent struggle between really trying to think of ways to improve my situation, not dwell on negative feelings, be more accepting of where people are at, or frankly just try to flat out ignore what I'm feeling because I don't want frustration and negative feelings to get in the way of having a good time on this trip. On the other side of it, I am feeling this way! I am feeling a great deal of negativity around both the group, and how I'm being treated and how I really am having a lot of troubel being myself, resourcing how I'd like and doing what I love. If I am feeling this way, can;t I just be allowed to feel what I'm feeling? Can't I just be frustrated, angry and sad without it consuming me? Getting to the title of this entry, I am really seeing how willful ignorance of feelings and the messages of the body is a very effective coping mechanism. I almost wish I actually could ignore what I'm feeling, but every time I suppress an emotional experience, push it down and don't somehow aknowledge and utilize the action potential behind the emotion I tie new knots. I create new armoring in my body that is going to lessen my ability to be authentic and express myself and actually be in my experience in the future. I can actually feel these knots in the body, and I wish I wasn't making new knots. I haven't really figured out a way to really nurture my whole self on this trip.

Its a struggle, basically the main struggle of the trip. Basically being a part of this group and all the challenges that go along with that has been much harder than anything Thailand has thrown at me. I'm open to change. Things are always changing. It isn't a bad thing that I'm having this difficulty. My higher self acknowledges that it is even an opportunity. (damn higher self).


I don't want to stop traveling. I hate to inform my parents of this, but my very conservative estimate of there being a 7% chance I won't come back has now increased to a 10% chance. However, things change. I wonder what is more difficult for me, traveling with a group of people I don't really resonate with or traveling alone. Traveling alone has been a pretty big challenge in the past. We'll see.

Epic adventure

Completely epic day, too tempting to buy more internet and blog about it before being away from the web for quite some time. I guess internet/blog is somewhat of an addiction.

I waited around all morning for Alex to get back to go on our day trip to the animistic temple to see the Shaman. What was an 11:00 meeting time turned into a 1:15 departure, which frustrated me a little, especially while dealing with s sprained tendon in my ankle and all the other things that decided to go wrong in my body this morning. When Alex finally showed up, he announced that this was going to be more of a journey, because he didn't actually know the name of the temple, there are about 15 temples in Lampoon and we were just going to have to go and ask around. We could be successful or we may not find anything. Simon, Brittany and I were completely on board for whatever happened.

We took the first of many songtaos to the bus station where we were told we could catch another songtao to Lampoon. Turns out it wasn;''the bus station but some random bridge where we could catch the next songtao. Apparently shit moves around in Thailand a lot. We hopped on an incredibly full songtao, so for the first time on the trip I got to stand on the back of a moving truck and just hold on to the bar. It was pretty exhilerating. I stood on the back like that for the hour long ride and watched chiang mai dissappear behind me into more a rural Thailand. That songtao dropped us off, where we began to walk around and eventually found a temple and began to poke around. (I can't exactly remember the order things happened in) but we soon ended up in a pretty big monestary that was also a school that was full of young preadolescent monks who had a very fearful curiosity of us. We were absolutely the only white people around, and Brittany and I were the only women around for quite a ways. They seemed to keep at least a 15 foot radius from us, so whenever we approached to ask one a question they would back away and maintain their radius, however, they seemed to want to keep that distance and watch us, especially when we went into the temple to make an offering, they all crouded in the window to watch us.

Alex eventually found someone to ask, where he found the name of a temple which was out first lead. We took to the streets to find another songtao. As Alex asked the driver to take us there, the driver conversed with some locals around who seemed bothered by the fact that we wanted to go to this temple, and gave us much contrasting information. Thay all loudly debated in Thai for awhile who knows what, likely where this place was or if we should even be allowed to go there, they didn't seem to like the idea of westerners asking about it, but somehow, and I don't understand howm their opinions seemed to change rather abruptly and they all decided to be helpful. The next songtao took us further out of town, and dropped us off where we needed to walk around and seek more information. Alex found someone to talk to again at another temple, who told him where the place was, but told him that it likely wouldn't be open and we should go earlier in the day, and that it was another 30k out of town. We all debated what to do, and Alex called Peg to see if it would be possible to take us tomorrow and have us go to Mesat later than everyone else, Peg said no to that idea and told us to just interview people around. It wasn't a very thrilling idea, and we all felt a little discouraged. We collectively made the decision to go to the place anyway, because we only had today, and we felt like we needed to try anyway, even though it wasn't likely to be fruitful. The first songtao offered us a price that was way too high, and didn't seem to want to take us, so we decided not to take it. I think we were all feeling fairly discouraged and just walking around rather aimlessly at that point when we found another songtao. This one offered to take us for 600 baht, still quite a high price, but he seemed more willing. We had already spent so much money on transportation to make it that far, and Alex told us we could only do it if we were willing to throw down our own money to go. We all were pretty willing to throw down 100 baht each to take the chance, and all got in and took off.

Alex fell asleep on the ride, and as he did so the driver, who knew we were students and took a personal investment in our success, stopped 3 times to ask localsd for directions and advocate on our behalf. It was quite amazing of him. The songtao took us forther and further out into the middle of no where until finally we found the place. There was absolutely no one around, and the songtao driver went in first and likely found a monk and told them what we were doing there, and they let us in. We went up stairs where we met a monk whon was covered in traditional tattoos who was sitting there preparing ink for ritual traditional thai tattoos. You could feel this guy immediatly, sitting there without a shirt on in a room covered in shrines and sacred objects of all kind mixed with random junk, his torso and arms completely covered in traditional thai tattoos (I don't think monks generally go around with their chests uncovered) At first he seemed to wonder what we were doing there. The songtao driver, surprisingly enough, was a big help at explaining what we were doing there, he soon seemed pretty open to talking to us and answering our questions. he answered our questions aboutn the purpose of the tattoos, and how they are done and the rituals involved. Brittany asked what was in them, and Alex seemed to have some trouble translating. He said it was something from the stomach of monkeys or tigers. Lion bile. We asked him how he got it, and he told us apparently it wasn;t that hard to come by he just paid people for it. He also showed us some of the other minerals and roots that go into the dye, and showed us the lion bile in liquid form. He took a little bit on his finger and tasted it, and then gave us a cap full to examine, and seemed to motion that we could taste it, We all kind of looked at each other about this one. I have to admit (which I shouldn't) that yes... I tasted tiger bile. The tiniest finger full had a powerful bitter taste, and I could feel its effects for some time, having no idea exactly what it would do to me. It almost made me feel a little buzzed, and I could feel it in my stomach for a little while. Woah.

He then, after answering more questions for us, took us into another room and showed us the toold involved, and let us look through a book of drawings he had done of traditional tattoos. He said normally a monk wouldn't even let a woman touch these things, it would be very bad energy. He said however, it didn't matter if someone was strong enough, therte wouldn't be a curse because he was strong enough, and he understood that we were students and seemed to feel comfortable sharing with us what wouldn't traditionally have been shared. The information is very sacred, and can't really be learned anywhere, it is something passed down from teacher to student in a very ritualistic, sacred manner. It was a huge honor for him to share with is, and show us those things. I learned a huge amount of information that would not have otherwise been available to me in any circumstances. It was an incredibly sacred experience. He, at the end, gave us all little tiny ganesh statues which he had blessed. He handed mine to me, and sort of laughed about that, because apparently monks aren't really allowed to hand things directly to women, and vice versa. This monk, however, seemed to be incredibly powerful, and had a huge spiritual presence.

After we left, I had a huge feeling of disorientation like I usually would after a really sacred experience, I was in total disbelief and awe about what had happened. One of the things he said about the tattoos is that they were very good luck, and spiritual protection, and it made him happy that he was helping people. After getting one, someone could be hit by a car or fall into water and be ok. Someone could shoot themself in the head and the bullet wouldn't reach their brain. I think the tiger bile had that sort of effect on us as well. Alex, while leaning out the window of our songtao on the way back to talk to the driver, dropped his ganesh statue on the highway. Our driver stopped on the side of the road, and he ran out to go get and and managed to find it, and neither it nor the box had been harmed.

We then went to traditional thai barbique, where they have a ton of raw meat buffet style, and you have a little traditional stove.bbq on your table and grill up the meat yourself and have yout own broth and add in all your ingrediants. We all gorged ourselves on delicious food. It was a pretty damn incredible day.