Some interesting themes emerging and reemerging. People (both Tibetan and American) Named Pema, studying Nyingma Buddhist philosophy. Nyingma monks. Monks in twos talking about love.

Spent a lot of time talking to Tibetans today. All levels of English, from the barely able to get a sentance out to being able to concicely describe to me the dualistic interconnectivity between meditation and imagination. Was taught the Tibetan alphabet. Confucing! Many letters have what to me sound like the same sounds, but have subtle differences in pitch and intensity.

Anyway... sitting with the discomfort of not knowing... Not really knowing much of anything. Allowing feelings of lonliness come and go as I contribute in many in ways I can't yet imagine.

picking up the pieces

I dropped off the face of the blog planet a little bit I think.

 

So my psyche got shattered a bit in Rishikesh. A bit, that sounds funny to me. I can't say exactly what happened or why, but on a day where I was just taking a cooking class, thinkign a bit too much about plans and visiting a cool art exhibit the world just seemed o catch up with me. I hadn't been participating too heavilly with the spiritual vibration in Rishikesh, I had mostly just been going on nice long relaxing walks, eating good food and hanging out. I think the spiritual vibration, however, was participating with me. This particular day I found myself inexpectantly swimming in a sea of old patterns of chaos, spiritual emergence and shattering. Stories spilled out from all corners of my life to try and explain the unexopected deviation from my center, but there wasn't really a lot of explanatiopn to be found. Racing energy in my chest and heart, inexhaustable panic...

 

well gee, that wasn't supposed to happen!

 

I was supposed to be grounded, centered, that was the condition of this whole thing, right? Apparently not.

 

I was, afterall, bathing everyday in the Ganges, doing yoga, I h\visited Kumbh Mela, for goodness sake. And I can't really ignore the spiritual vibration. I may have been hanging out with a young English girl who didn't fully understand the significance of things around her, but I did, and even while I was just hanging out and talking about other things, it was still flowing through me and I was still present with it.

 

So what to do, what to do. I was NOT ready to go somewhere new, my travel buddies were dispersing off to different locations and I really had no idea what to do or where to go or what was going to unfold, so in a moment of panic and needing a solution I called my parents and we decided it was a wise decision to go back to Dharamsala, a place I was familiar with and felt safer.

 

And this is where I am now. I think even the idea of coming here calmed me down. The chaos has mostly subsided. I feel more grounded, but with that groundedness I can feel my fragility. I am picking up the pieces of my shattered psyche and in doing that I am being far more inward, exploring inner terrain. I realize I was evaluation myself and my travel experience in a very masculine, yong way, as many travelers in this part of the world do. It being all about how many places you go and see, what you do there and how you get there. I am now realizing I need to be more concerned with responding to what I need in the moment and learning more about myself, my boundaries and my needs, even if that is outwardly less exciting. Frankly for the moment I don't know if I can handle that much stimulation.

 

Exploring rhythms, exploring mapping, exploring the heart, exploring the connection to home and tribe (Tribe, I am FEELING YOU GUYS RIGHT NOW, STRONGLY!), getting a lot of massages, paying $6 for hotel rooms instead of $2 and then finding out the next day that my room was given away to someone else, havign the usual characters recognize me on the street and getting a mixture of reactions, my favorite of which was from Amir, who was surprisingly happy to see me...

 

Went to Sonam's glass blowing studio today where he works and saw the work that he and his colleagues do. The owner was really nice to me, and was surprisingly willing to let me try making beads when I told him I wanted to try it (I imagine that would so not fly in the states). I loved watching the glass become embodied by the flame and interacting as an entity with the glassblower. Amazing watching skilled fingers guiding the molten being into different shapes and intricate swirling patterns. I had great fun trying it. I can't tell if I did well of shitty, my first few beads were unsurprisingly lopsided, but I quickly got the hang of it began experimenting with different patterns and styles. I only sent pieces of burning glass flying into my skin once, so this seems fairly successful. I got to keep the beads I made, too.

 

So yes... don't know what will happen (but nothing new there), feeling somewhat safer, but still on slightly tumultuous ground, and enjoyign the increased connection with myself, even though it brings me more in contact with pain.

 

In the words of a Guru in Rishikesh I surprisingly resonated with, and who;s words seemed to speak directly to my experience and my soul, "The world has never been in such great need of your love. The world has never been in such great need of the unique way love expresses itself through you."   Thanks, Prembaba

Everything has been so easy and has been going to smooth for so long. I've found myself remarkably in the flow, having a really easy time existing, accepting things as they come and go. Going between my head and my heart both with wanting to plan and stressing about details and recognizing the right path when its presented to me.

Yesterday was the first day that this flow stopped and I experiences irrational, unexpected panic. The feeling of being overwhelmed and scared for no apparent reason in an otherwise safe situation. And of course this fear and panic feeds on itself and I begin to become afraid of it.

The universe gave me a big yes with the Nepal situation. I was even offered a free taxi ride to the border in exchange for accompanying a swami who is old and doesn't want to travel alone. Everything was aligning, but my body just reacted. Not ready! Sunk into bad space, didn't feel safe.

Time to stop. Slooooow down. Don't run off to Nepal while not feeling secure, Come back, reground.

I feel a bit better now, partially because of the Ganga.

Don't worry about a thing.

I did what any sensible person would do after bathing in the Ganga, took a shower and washed my clothes.

These is an initial shock of transition everywhere I go, especially now that I'm on my own, but I realize that this is a nice town, relaxing, full of a lot of false spirituality and some purity. Lots of free yoga taught by Brazilians, and 100 rupee yoga taught by tall, thin, flexible Indians. Also amazing to me that I can be eating 3 good means at restaurants everyday and this is not considered splurging. Actually besides food and accommodations, I haven't spent anything here. I was looking at clothes in a store today and they told me they could make me anything but as I showed them the things I wanted they didn't actually have any of the fabric...

So yes, lots and lots of yoga, took a nice long walk today with my travel buddies and took a dip in the Ganga on a secluded beach... What else have I been doing here...? Not much, really. Just enjoying much. Having moments of thinking far too much and then getting back into my body. Getting massively hot and sweaty.

I was contemplating going back to McLeod. For Love. And For Nostalgia. For a person and for the whole culture. I almost fell into this trap, but then the Idea to go to Nepal with Katie came up, and my spark of enthusiasm and lust for life returned. I realize we are forever touched and changed by every act of love, and I can happily move on without having lost anything.

The plan, as it looks now, involves a day trip to Haridwar for Kumba Mela, perhaps Wednesday, and leaving to Delhi on Friday and heading on the way to Nepal, which'll be a long journey. Night trains, night busses, but hopefully worth it!

Arriving not exactly in the highest of spirits.

Trying to get myself to look around and realize where I am. What I've accomplished. I've successfully navigated Indian Trains and busses and found myself some nice travel buddies and have landed in a new spot. This spot, however, isn't exactly what I expected. I have to wonder, however, was it the chicken or the egg? As India is a mirror, is it merely reflecting? Are the people here unfriendly or am I unfriendly?

There were many moments of realizing as I was either on the bus or on the train, in transit from Mcleod to here, that I was headed back to India. Ooohhh, there are mosquitoes here, Ooooh, it is really humid and smoggy here, OOhh, everyone stares and takes pictures, ooooh, there is Chai everywhere... Along with the many overwhelming yet charming elements of India that are here, there are tons and tons of western travelers who all seem very unfriendly. They all have their perfect yoga bodies and are far too interested in their own spiritual development (and looking good) to give a damn about anyone else.

I feel this extreme homesickness for Tibetans and Tibetan culture. Homesickness? What an odd feeling to feel. Part of me really felt at home there. All the spirituality that I expected to find in Hindu India and didn't seemed to be found there, and I realize this more and more now that I've left. And the people... so amazing, so kind, so close to my heart, so sweet.

Well... Must give this place a chance. Must do yoga and sit with my own feelings. Must clear... My cup, which is generally empty, and must remain empty in order to be filled with my surroundings, is surprisingly filled with some intense feelings I wouldn't necessarilly have expected.

Must give this place a chance.

Love and monks

I got served Chai at the post office this morning while I was sending a package and it just reminded me how much I love India!

 

Yesterday I went to another English conversation group, a different one than I usually go to, this one was at LIT and I was paired with 2 monks who have been speaking english for only a year or so. This group, unlike the others, gives topics of conversation and the topic of the day was love. What is love, are there different kinds of love? Have you ever been in love romantically and how many times? for how long? etc. Let me tell you, talking with monkis about love was THE BEST THING EVER! Especially when we got to the questions about romantic love. They both obviously answered that they have never been in love romantically, as they are monks and have been since they were 9 and 11 years old, but I asked them if they'd ever had feelings for women before, and they both admitted to having had feelings. I asked if this was difficult thing, and what they did about it. They told me they weren;t allowed to act on their feelings because of their vows, and did admit to me that it can be very difficult. Dawa, who spoke better english, explained to me that according to his Buddhist practice, if you are thinking about a beautiful woman, you are supposed to meditate on ugliness, as beauty is merely just the skin, and is imperminant. They spoke of a deeper kind of love, though, a love for all sentiant beings, a desire to care for and help all things.

 

Mmmmm, what a fascinating few hours.

Keep on flowing

responding to my need for movement.

Was feeling a little depressed this morning. Perhaps that's not the right word, but not having a great deal of confidence in my solo-traveling abilities, but I seemd to find myself in the right place at the right time to get a pep talk and a plan from an older woman traveling India alone, who has been doing do for years. She recommended Rishikesh, which isn't all that far from here. Still a days travel, but much closer than anything else worth going to. Yoga Ashrams, meditation, back on the Ganges (the foothills of the Ganges where it comes from the Himalayas, that means CLEAN Ganges, not Ganges that everyone has bathed and spread their relatives ashes in) close to Kumba Mela. Sounds like a good place to explore indeed. I also later met a girl who is interested in traveling there together potentially. The universe seems to be agreeing with this idea.

Traveling solo and fluidly having my needs met by the universe is rather exhilarating. It'll be interesting to see what happens when I move outside of my comfort zone (You know, before I left I'm not entirely sure I would have believed I would have a comfort zone in India). Once I leave Dharamsala I won't have familiar territory. I wont have people I know. I think having Jared and Colin here also make a big difference even though I don't see them too much throughout the day. Well, I think I'm ready for it. I'm feeling good about everything. Feeling open.

I think a number of my problems (I won't go into what my problems are) stem from the fact that I'm not really willing to put all of myself into any one particular thing. This has been manifesting in a number of ways. Makes it difficult to really absorb... To really go there, to really see the world around me. Some part of my perception and being is curled up in a little nest, unwilling to leave the safety of solidity. Solidity of body, of perception. To a certain extent this is probably smart, but I wonder how much I could afford to melt this. Take some emotional and psychological risks? I will keep exploring this duality as time keeps on flowing.

Went to a Buddhist Philosophy class today at the Library and volunteered doing English conversation at GuChuSum. Noticing the changes in my body as well as I walked about 3k up a steep footpath back from the library. It is certainly different. It doesn't shut down anymore, but reliable keeps going through the tiredness. I'm not used to experiencing myself this way.

Rise up, resist, return

My life in Dharamsala was beginning to feel rather novel like, with quite the cast of characters.

Thus far, it has been rather pleasant being "on my own," I don't exactly feel on my own (could have something to do with Jared and Colin still being here). I expected I'd have so much free time to fill so I bought a book and made all sorts of lists of things to do around town and I've found I haven't needed to use them at all, I just get so swept up in the day. Hanging out with new friends and finding things to do. It is a nice flow. I have this unsettled feeling, however, that I shouldn't stay here too long in Dharamsala. It somehow feels too stagnant. It is a great place, but unless I really get plugged in, what the hell am I really doing here? I just have this bizarre feeling that I need to keep moving, but where? With who? I am making friends, but not viable travel buddies because they are either going to be here for a long time, or are flying back to Sweden soon... Or they live here. I must be patient. Must remind myself that after the 2 months of continuous movement it is ok to stagnate a little. Relax. Not do anything productive or focused... I don't like the way this sounds.

I was talking to my Tibetan friend Sonam again yesterday. He was telling me more of his life story and told me that he has spent nearly 7 years of his life doing prostrations. This seemed astonishing and I asked him more. Apparently when he was 11 years old his mom got very very sick and there was nothing the doctors could do. A very powerful Lama told him to do prostrations all the way to Lhasa from their village (I think there was more to the story than this) and he and his sister did. It took 3 and a half years to go all 2800k from his village to Lhasa, doing prostrations the entire way and begging for food and water. He said his head and arms and legs got swollen and bloody and let me feel the bump on his forehead where he still doesn't have sensation. Apparently when after he made it to Lhasa his mother got a lot better, wasn't sick at all anymore, and is still healthy now. There was some reason, but I can't remember or never actually understood, why he did it again for another 3 years.

7 years!!!??!! And he wants to do it again. Not to Lhasa, but he wants to go on a pilgrimage to the Buddhist holy sites in India and spend a few months doing prostrations in each, but needs sponsorship because it is much different in India. In Tibet, people would support his efforts, and he would be given food and water everywhere he want because people understood what he was doing, but in India the context is different, and he needs money to take care of his needs. He wants to dedicate this sacrifice to freedom in Tibet and world peace. I don't think sacrifice is the word he would use.

It is hard to believe I even know this person. Even harder to believe that he seems like such a normal, sweet guy. He is of course an incredibly devout Tibetan Buddhist, and I have seen this transformation from ordinary dude to super Buddhist. When we went to the temple to get blessings from the Sakya Lama he was seemed to be in a trance mumbling mantras the entire time, and turned into a prostration machine at various points. I noticed how practiced, uniform and effortless his prostrations looked, with many subtle details repeated over and over again. I now know he has had 7 years of practice, plus doing them every day for a short period of time. All I can say is what a different life... Yet I feel like I can relate to him so well on a human to human level.

So a few days ago, on the last day the group was here in the morning, we went down to a monastery in lower Dharamsala to have an audience with the Karmapa Lama (I don't think Lama is officially in his title, people seem to call him the Karmapa) He was an interesting fellow with many interesting facial expressions. Quite quirky, and almost seemed what I sensed to be a little frustrated about answering some of our difficult questions? No, I don't think it was frustration, it was a complex set of emotions. He was very personable and endearing. Difficult to believe I was sitting with, asking questions to and receiving blessings from who will likely take over as spiritual leader of the Tibetan people after the Dalai Lama passes. He is already a great spiritual leader now. I liked his gestures and didn't perceive them as unfriendly. He didn't seem like a holy figure, but a modest guy with a great deal of knowledge and influence.

My question to him was something along the lines of this- I have met so many Tibetan people who are dealing with a great deal of sadness, and even anger. How should people deal with these emotions? Is there a direction they can be channeled so that they can be productive?

He agreed there was a great deal of sadness, and explained that Tibetans have a more spiritual way of thinking, or are at least encouraged to, and view their suffering as a part of their Karma and work with it accordingly trying to purify and generate more compassion.  He said that many people, despite their suffering, have  great deal of compassion and love because of how spiritually advanced they are...
Hmm... I've been fed this answer a lot. By Peg and Ted... By others. I still see the sadness... I still see the anger. It is real easy to get swept away by it. Iy is however this compassion he spoke of... when I was listening to a political prisoner who had been in a Chinese prison for 13 years say that originally he wanted to get revenge on his torturers, but then he came to understand that they needed their jobs to support their families and they had no other choice, and he understood and forgave them... feeling this compassion is what brought me to tears. Watching the videos of the torture and suffering harden my body and make me shiver and close off and shed tears, but the compassion is what opens me up and melts me from the core.

I took part in Tibetan uprising day (which was the day before the Karmapa), went to the temple early in the morning to hear the Dalai Lama speak, and then took the streets with the Tibetan people, shouting slogans for freedom. The slogans were in both English and Tibetan, and the march went on long enough for me to learn most of the Tibetan ones. We marched all the way from upper Dharamsala to lower Dharamsala, about 2 hours down hill. Feeling the pulse of the Tibetan people.

Yes, there is a confusing jumble of emotions surrounding my experience here in Dharamsala with the Tibetan people. Feeling them, feeling this space and being in my own story, exploring and figuring out what I want to do.How can I be supportive? How can I support myself? How can my support be strong yet malleable. How can I allow myself to be supported?

Painfully detailed. Yet not enough.

You know what one of my very first thoughts about India was? I had just stepped out of the airport and was not even close to being in the real India yet, and I peeked into a trash can. The contents were the most disgusting grime. Anything with form that could have possibly been used for any reason had already been extracted, and the remains were the most decomposed grimy waste. India certainly has a very different idea of waste than in the west. I often see people's sense of agency over their surroundings reflecting a great deal of creativity, and not being plagued by the same taboos that prevent people in the west from making the same choices. However, I don't think I could ever understand the complexities of caste and class, social order and who can do what. On my way over here I saw a man who couldn't walk scooting himself along the ground on a little scooter with wheels by his hands, which he had flip flops on. I've seen variations of this sort of thing many many times in India (however less so in Dharamsala). I wanted to learn what these people know about being human. They obviously experience it differently than me. Well... people do what they have to do. That seems pretty universal.

India hit slowly, like an acid trip. I was outside the airport, and although the people seemed different (they were Indian... not Thai after all) I was still surrounded by familiar input. Peoples paripersonal space and attitudes didn't seem out of the ordinary, and the setting wasn't too unusual. Upon getting into the cab and driving to our hotel, one by one the familiar factors faded away and the rush and flurry of India hit hard. With each new observation I was put more and more into the moment until maybe 20-30 minutes into it I had the realization that I was IN IT. There was no more familiar left. I was fully in my trip without really being aware of or tracking the process of getting there. Kolkata especially is everything... every kind of person in every stage of living and dying. The rush was absurd. Crossing the street was a huge adrenaline rush.

Being where I am now, having been in India a month and now on my own more or less, is just making me reflect on the beginning. The thought came to me a few days ago that perhaps a little part of me was born upon first getting to India. This sounds a little silly, but maybe it is true. The group left yesterday evening, and I am still here in Dharamsala. Jared and Colin are still here for a few more days in the same hotel as me, so the transition is a little gradual.

But lets see... must catch up on the last week or so. A lot has been happening. I returned from the trek early and found myself with a full day to myself, nothing planned to do, no aims, and no one from my group around (although the high school group and some of the leaders were still around). I wanted to find a friend I had met who was likely leaving the area soon, a french circus performer named Rico who Jessica and I had danced and hula hooped with before leaving on the trek. I spent most of the morning that morning walking around. I hate to admit that I was mostly just looking for him, but I really didn't have a lot else to do, and didn't know what else to be doing with myself. I eventually decided to walk to the waterfall down Bhagsu road, where I wasn't likely to find him, but I just felt like the walk and hadn't yet been to the waterfall. On my way I passed some Tibetan women selling things at the side of the road and stopped to try out some singing bowls. I've been on the hunt for the perfect singing bowl to buy (and have since then found it) and wanted to buy from a Tibetan, not someone with a shop and a lot of money. The singing bowls were overpriced and although the woman wanted to bargain with me and get my final price, I declined, telling her I didn't want to buy one for less than it was worth. There was a Tibetan boy there too, who had been walking along and stopped there while this whole transaction was happening, and then followed behind me as I continued to walk. We began talking, and he was a nice guy, spoke pretty good English. I askef him if there was a dance school this direction, because I'd heard there was, and he thought there might be, so we walked together trying to find it for a little awhile without success. After that I asked him where the waterfall was, and he said he was going that way and would walk me there. Told me he was going to a birthday part for a baby, and after walking and talking for a few more minutes he invited me to come. I decided why not, what else did I have to do?

Getting to the spot involved a river crossing and climbing on some rocks. His friends were all a little older and very nice. I wondered how they felt about a westerner at their party, and having to speak some English instead of just Tibetan, but they didn't seem to mind too much. It was really enjoyable. I played cards with them (played a game somewhat similar to poker and lost about 50 rupees), ate their homemade food and tea, and watched the little kid who was turning 3 open his presents and get blessed with Khatas. I got a chance to talk to the guy more, Sonam. He seemed like a really great person. His actions really painted him that way, anyway. He took really good care of his friends kid and seemed to have a good relationship with him. He also spoke fluent Hindi, and when an Indian man came over needing to get flowers from a tree to make Chili, Sonam climbed it for him to pick the flowers without being asked. He told me that he really thought the young should try and help the old. He was also an amazing Tanka painter and glass blower. I spent more of the day than intended at the waterfall with them, and then was invited to dinner at their house, where I ate Tibetan soup and watched a weird Korean movie.

Next day I went to Namgyal Monestary, the Dalai Lamas monastery with Sonam and his friend. He was going there to pick up a name given by the Dalai Lama for his friends baby born in Tibet. Apparently Tibetans want the Dalai Lama to name their kids often, and it is especially special for people in Tibet who don't have any official contact with the Dalai Lama. The name was Tenzin somethingorother... Apparently all the kids named by the Dalai Lama have the first name Tenzin, the Dalai Lamas name. There was also a long line in the temple to get a blessing from the Sakya Lama. I wasn't aware there was a Sakya lama, in fact I had been told there wasn't one. I think that is just what the people were referring to him as, wherein he was just the head of the Sakyapa buddhists. We waited in the line for awhile and were quickly shuffled through. Grabed, pulled over to present out Khatas, have them put around our necks and then pushed to bend over and be hit on the crown of the head with...something... by the Sakya Lama, and then shoved over to be given a red string with a knot in it and then shoved away. Sonam, who wanted to give a donation, endured much more pushing and shoving while I waited nearby still in the zone of being pushed and shoved by the masses of people going by. Have I mentioned how triggered I've become by being pushed and shoved? Many of my religious experiences in India have involved a great deal of pushing and shoving, especially at Kalighat in Kolkata to even get a glimpse at Kali's three eyes inside the temple. The intensity and fervor of people to even get close to the divine is something else.

hmmm.... More happened, not going into it.

Jessica, Max and Simon and I spent the next 2 days at a homestay in lower Dharamsala. Lower Dharamsala, unlike upper Dharamsala, is mostly Hindu, whereas upper is a mixture of Indians, Tibetans and travelers with an enormous Tibetan influence as it is the spot of the Tibetan Government in Exile and the Dalai Lama. the family was really great. Really wealthy, too, which I didn't expect. We were served Chai and good Indian food many times a day. It was an opportunity to lok more deeply into family and gender roles in Indian families. We made friends with the nephews of the family, who took us out on a walk the first night. We walked along to a temple that was tilted due to an earthquake many many years ago. We then just continued walking for several hours, in awe of the beauty and peace of the area. Probably the most peaceful place I've been in all of India! It almost didn't make sense. The boys walking with us were great, too. Really funny, good at making us laugh.

The next day we took a bus to another spot in lower Dharamsala to work in a slum on a project that a Tibetan Monk started called the Tong Lin project. Taking a local bus on our own was quite the adventure, standing up and holding on on the windy roads in a crowded orange bus with blaring baliwood music, Krishna at the wheel. It was excellent! Once we got off, getting to the slum was the next challenge. Indian directions are absolutely ineffective. We had to ask every 20 meters or so to ensure we were going the right way, and were still misdirected many many times. I think part of it also has something to do with the nature of what we were trying to find, a slum. Something cast off to the collective unconscious, a blind area for most people, I discovered. Many people were either unaware of or unwilling to tell us where it was. We eventually found it and worked with the whole group on painting the inside of the school to make a positive learning environment.

Well, I think I've exhausted too much of my internet time, so I'll have to finish this later. Maybe eventually my blogging will actually catch up with the present moment.

Must write an adequate blog entry soon, but now is not the time.

The chants of another candle light procession for freedom in Tibet sooth my bones. The spirit of Tibet is quite a beautiful one, evn in exile, and sometimes more than I can handle.

I am still in Dharamsala. The group left about an hour ago. This is quite a big transition, traveling alone now. I intend to take it slow, relax and decompress from the 2 solid months of travel and continuous movement. The challenge will be staying upbeat and in the flow and finding good external regulators in this enviornment, but really, the underlying challenge is to allow myself to be whoever I am in the moment, even when this things don't go according to plan A (stay in the flow). Hopefully I can work with what comes up in a positive way that moves me towards greater enjoyment and self realization on this crazy adventure.

I look forward to writing about what I've been doing over the past few days. They've been pretty exciting and amazing. Should have plenty of time tomorrow to get online.

17k and one nauseating car ride later...

Seeing as I am here typing and not on a mountain right now you may conclude that I did not finish the trek. We hiked 17k today and by the time I got up there I was in pretty bad shape. It didn't really hit until that last little bit, though. Up until then it was beautiful! I love being up in the mountains. I had no idea how much I've missed nature and quiet traveling in India for nearly a month now. A little disappointed to not be up there now, but then again, if I were I would likely still be experiencing the worst migraine and other mind altering experiences.

Perhaps I'll try again some day, or get up for some day hikes. I'll have plenty of time... which brings me to this... I'm staying in India. I'm not flying back to Thailand just yet, but rather I plan to stay here for awhile. I'd like to stay in Dharamsala and go deeper in this wonderful place, and a friend I met who just came from the south recommended some places in the south. We'll see how adventurous I get. Wow... I can't believe I'm staying in India.

Heat

Ideas begin to take shapes as realities. I have been thinking about staying in Dharamsala. Perhaps not long, but longer than the group. Staying here instead of going back to Thailand. In terms of time money it is really rather inconsequential where I stay, it is all a matter of personal comfort, and I feel really good here. There are so many avenues I would like to dive deeper into, so many ways I could really be beneficial and so many things to learn here. Worth spending some extra time... It is still India, however... Need to think about it more.

what a day what a day what a day... Gold mines and experiences that have really shaken me up and made me question my intuition. What is this place? All the shifting. All the seeming like a great magical place and then seeing it for what it is... maybe not so great, a false prophet, the good mixed with the mundane, the typical and the predatory.  But it is still a great place encompassing all that, because it really makes me face my shit. It really forces me to be intentional and careful and mindful. Forces me to be strong and to protect myself. Protect my awe and wonder. Protect my innocence. Protect my belief and only extend it in truly worthy moments... but it this the way to go? For India I think so.

The old... and the new.

Ok, going to try and reproduce some of the mysteriously dissappearing writings...

 

I think thew street dogs say a great deal about a place. Every place we've gone has had street dogs that are pretty similar, but have had slightly different characteristics. The characteristics of the dogs on the street give hints into the nature of the city, its traffic, how animals and people of a lower class are treated, and what its streets can sustain. in E Wi Jo, the rural Karen village in Thailand, the dogs were smaller and all looked simiral as they likely all breed with each other. They knew their place perfectly in their society, and knew the schedule for meals far better than the humans did. in India they have been slightly larger, and in various states of mange. in some cities they were cleaner than others. In Amritsare they were clean, but many had injuries. Only 3 legs, or severely broken legs. Amritsar does have some of the most intense traffic, and in its absense of cows people seem to drive faster and more carelessly.

 

The street dogs in Dharamsala are big fluffy golden retrievers, and other breeds of big fluffy dogs. They seem, for the most part, clean and well cared for, and I didn't even really believe they were street dogs at first. You can't even imagine what this says about Dharamsala... or maybe you can.

 

The mountain air is cool and fresh, and the city is a beautiful meshing of cultures.

 

Other notable things to mention would be the Sihk Golden temple in Amritsar. It was amazing, probably my  favorite temple in India, which is unexpected. The atmosphere is filled with surreal Godly chanting accompanied by Tabla, and as you circle around and enter across the water into the temple, you realize it is live, being sung and played by Sikh Holy men to a meditating, holy book reading audience. The temple has many levels, and the atmosphere is conducive to stay awhile, sit and absorb the good juju, to look up onto the ceiling at all tmirrors reflecting the godliness in you back to you. And of course you can visit the book and say hello to the living prophit that is the text, constantly being read until it is cerimoniously put to bed each night in its luxurious bed, and woken up each morning to continue the saga.

 

The people in Amritsar are very open and friendly, even the women. They were, however, very in your face. It is afterall India. We were stopped many times to have our pictures taken, or had our pictures discreetly taken on cellphone cameras. I don't think they see many white tourists, and many of them are Sikh tourists themself from all over. Maybe its just nice for them to see westerners enjoying their culture and traditions, as the Sikhs have not always had the kindest reception.

 

Amritsar, and all the movement and traveling for many days without staying in one place really took it out of me. I wrote in my journal that traveling is like riding a tiger. The illusion that you illicit control over the wave is broken, you're just riding it.

 

Couldn't meet it, couldn't meet India's gaze, don't know what it wants from me, but it just me it wants. The smiles of wellmeaning strangers are met by shielding of my heart, missing thimity of my cold culture, the curtain sending a haze over everyone's eyes (or perhaps the freedom I have with my friends to be transparent about when I have nothing to give and need space). I have a giant target on my head that peoples eyes pierce into. What exactly do they seeking pictures of? (And what exactly do they do with the pictures?)

 

I like the trains. When I put in earplugs and a sleep mask everything melts into vibrations and the universe rocks me to sleep. I also take speel aids, so I don't get woken up to people shouting "Chaiiii!!" in my face at 2 in the morning like some. My luck has been good so far, and I have not had the familiar travel misfortunes cross my path that some others have had. Except sickness, of course.

 

Perhaps in Dharamsala I am rejuvinated and have more energy to meet the world again. I at first blow people in the street off, thinking that they are just trying to sell me something, like everyone else, and they are, but blowing them off would have been a mistake. I've made some nice connections here. A guy talked to me for a few hours about studying Tibetan medicine, and his journey from Tibet to Dharamsala as he watched over his and DVD stand from across the street. He never once suggested I should buy anything from him, he just wanted to talk to me and was happy to share. His journey over the mountains from village in Tibet to the border of Nepal took 27 days.

 

I've also gone to an English conversation group to teach English to more recently arrived refugees, where I've heard more peoples stories about the journey here. I'm excited to make more connections and deepen the ones I've already made. The time here doesn't feel long enough. Even though we are in one spot for longer than we have been on this entire trip, we are still moving around a lot, and it still isn't nearly enough to delve in significantly into the culture. Anything I could really extract would be about as much information as a wikipedia article.

So this is interesting and I probably should have started with this... I was walking around yesterday, the day of Holy, the color holiday (or perhaps the day after, it is a little unclear) wearing clothes I didn't care about looking for people throwing color and not finding anyone, and then I see a group of westerners throwing color, and I recognize one of the as Ryann, the fairhaven student on the adventure learning grant. I knew she was in India, but I didn't think we'd be able to meet up. I had no idea where she was. It was pretty unreal to run into her, and then get completely covered in Rasta colors by her and her friends. We talked for awhile and made plans to meet up later, which fell through. Still don't exactly know what happened with that, and now she's gone (was only here for a day), but it was awesome seeing her only for a short time.

And this is even more difficult to believe. Chris from this group ran into another person from Bellinham, who I wasn't sure I knew at first, but then ran into later and indeed know through living at the forest house and through friends. His name is Justin Gere. That was completely insane and unpredictable because I had absolutely no idea this guy was in India, or even traveling at all, and here is is in Dharamsala. Seriously, this isn't normal. There really is something about Bellingham, it also has a strong connection to India and Hinduism. In some ways it doesn't surprise me that I've run into 4 Bellinghamsters despite the odds. Jason, who I knew I'd see, because village studues had previously arranged for him to work with us while he is also on the Adventure Learning Grant... Pat, who I took Religion and Society in India with last quarter and made plans to meet up with in Varanasi awhile back while we were still in class, Ryann and Justin... crazy crazy crazy...

I have started and stopped this blog entry 3 times now since I began, saving it in my drafts each time, so new things have been developing throughout the day. I was in a very confused haze about my project for awhile, but I talked to Alex today and really cleared things up. I am going to attempt to dive into Tibetan medicine a bit, getting a background in it from reading (bought a hefty book today, been talking to a Tibetan friend previously mentioned who is studying it, etc), going to Tibetan doctors and massage therapists and having check ups myself and work done, evaluating how I feel about it in my own experience, and talk to individuals who both do and do not use Tibetan medicine about their experiences with it, and their beliefs about their bodies and their health. I can't dive too deeply into Tibetan medicine itself, but I can get an overall sense of people's interactions with it, how it makes them feel over their bodies, how they construct agency over their bodies, their beliefs and how they differ from western beliefs and my own personal beliefs and experiences, etc. That is the hope.

Oh man, I think I am making a really nice connection with the Tibetan guy I've mentioned. Jessica and I just had tea with him and a monk friend of his and had a really fruitful conversation. He's a really smart guy. Well hmm... glad I have more direction. Don't want to leave Dharamsala... what else is new.