I fear I may be sucked into commerce quite a bit while I'm here in Dharamsala. There is just so much nice stuff to buy. Clothes, art, jewelry, Buddhist paraphanalia. I want to take the advice of Scot and buy my entire wordrobe here. (What bizarre advice from Scot)

 

Ironic to be thinking of shopping after listening to the Dalai Lama's teachings this morning. Woke up at 6:30 to go down to the temple and get a good seat for them. Needed a radio for the English translation. John had a radio on his voice recorder but no headphones and I had headphones, so it worked out perfectly. Amazing...

 

I'm covered in colored powder for Holy, which is tomorrow, but people are starting early. Bummed to lose that blog entry yesterday, but I guess in the grand scheme of things it isn't that important.

I just spent an hour on a blog entry about Dharamsala and the last few days and it is gone. Oh the impermanence of all things... and the frustration of clinging on.

I'm not liking Agra very much. but we're not here long. Really it is just a place to chill. I think the ratio of meters walked to amount of times harassed to buy something or go in a shop, etc. is the lowest of any place we've gone so far, but hey, theres still time for this to be beaten. I'm pretty tired of it at the moment. My whols soma needs a break and then perhaps I'll have some renewed tolerance for it. As just one too many rickshaw drivers confronted me I found myself hissing at one of them rather animalistically. It was pretty hilarious, actually. It cracked him up.

 

We did a night train last night from Varanasi to Agra. 2nd class sleeper this time, a class below what we did before. Main differences were size of beds, clenliness, lack of bedding provided for beds, and chai wallahs in the middle of the night. I slept pretty well, actually. We had to sleep with our packs with us on our beds for extra security. With already very little room I wasn't pleased about this bud defised an ingenious way to strap it to the ceiling fan and bars so it dangled above me and off over the aisle. I saw the Taj Mahal this morning when I was still somewhat asleep, in fact I have spent most of the day in a state where if I close my eyes I'll begin dreaming about things people just said. Seeing the Taj was pretty surreal. Definitely cool, too bad theres nothing else to do in this town.

 

Had a lovely final day in Varanasi yesterday, will miss it much.

movement movement movement... and suddenly everything stops

Busy day planned for the day so long as my body does not decide to alter the plan. I am running a little behind schedule already for my scheduled internet time, but now that I'm here, paying double what I should for internet, I might as well stick around a little awhile. After this I plan to pop over to the University and interview students. I want to ask questions about how the caste system affects body image, and how individuals feel in their body and the agency they view over their bodies. How Hinduism affects relationship with the body, also how myth affects the day to day life, and how all the constant sensory input changes the way they experience their bodies. Who knows what sort of answers I'll get, or if I'll even be able to make a connection. After that I plan to meet my friend on the roof of the hotel. I have a friend from a class here in Varanasi, I knew he was going to be here, and was trying to connect and last night I ran into him on the street. Always bizarre to see a familiar face on the other side of the world, even when you somewhat expect it. Then at 4 I plan to meet Raju to see the silks he made by hand. I want to get a scarf for my mom (thats right mom, for you! What color do you want? I kind of doubt that you'll be able to respond before I get one, however) Then he will take us to get astrology readings.

 

Ok, so consider this series of events that may or may not be related for a moment. Yesterday afternoon I went to the Kirtan place Raju showed me. It was all religious men there when I first walked in, and they invited me to sit with them and gave my symbols to play. They seemed delighted I was there, and even more so when I knew the words. Jaya jaya sita ram... pretty easy. They were all delighted, that is, except for one of them. An older man in orange robes. He kept scowling at me. Was not satisfied with how I played the symbols and kept correcting me, and just never seemed to be very happy withmy presence. He seemed pretty happy to eventually forcefully take the symbols away from me when I was taking a picture, as one of the men indicated for me to do. I pretty much tried to ignore this fellow, everyone else seemed really happy I was there, and there were even some other tourists who came in to sing too, who probably did way worse than me, but this guy still singled me out to scowl at. Finally I left, gave a 50 ruppee donation and walked away. He seemed happy about the donation. I walked back towards the hotel and out to the ghats, and as I was trying to find the ayervedic massage and yoga place Raju showed me, I swear I saw the same guy in the orange robes. Now it must have been someone else, but it seriously looked like the same guy, and he looked at me with a knowing expression, scowled at me again and said something in Hindi that sounded like a curse. I then tried to find the ayervedic place and couldn't find it. It seriously isn;t possible for me to have not been able to find it, it was so obvious, but yet it was completely absent to me, and within 20 seconds of seeing that dude I suddenly had an attack of stomach cramps and needed to rush back to the hotel. An unrelated chain of events of a connected story? Up for you to decide, I suppose. I have my feelings about it. A really interesting book I purchased yesterday with several psychological journals on Indian identity was talking about how the causal reality of many Indian's lives are dictated by myth in ways it would be difficult for an observer to understand.

 

This country seems incredibly psychic. Street vendors laugh at me as I try to make it back in time. They don't seem to laugh at me other times...

 

Went to a performance yesterday night. First citar and tabla followed by traditional kathak dance. An Indian man asked me for some of my water to take a pill, which really threw me off. It went against all the subconscious health precautions I took on coming to this country, and I accidently made a scowling face at him. "Problem?" has asked? I said no, and indicated for him not to put his lips on the bottle. He said of course, and drank. I then found out this man was a pretty famous musician, whom the musicians playing for us were very honored to have as an audience member. Geez, of course. I hoped for the next few seconds that I didn't make too much of an ass of myself and proceeded to have my leg fall asleep several times during the performance to jolt and knock down my waterbottle on the fellows leg. Not open, of course.

 

The dance was awesome! I had some huge insights for my project while watching it. J9 mind, you've done it again! Observed and oicked up pieces for about a week now while not seeming to do much at all, and then bang, a concept is formed and all the pieces organize themself around it beautifully. Good, I was worried I wasn't doing anything! I made some big connections between the relationship between myth and embodiment. Hinduism has this huge cast of characteristics prevalent in the univer to choose from to embody. They move through individuals and mobilize them, and I believe one's relationship with their body in this lifestyle has something to do with being able to allow myths, stories and energies to fluidly move through them when they need to. The dance was really about that. Embodying gods and goddesses and telling stories with the body. Beautiful.

No problem

So I think I have made my tentative return date May 1st. I may or may not already have a plane ticket booked for this day from Thailand. Who knows, I could change it again. I am quite torn about whether to stay longer or go home earlier. Lot of compelling reasons for both, really.

My health condition does not seem to be improving. I don't know how to make my body better, which really bothers me. I don't know what it needs. It doesn't seem to be able to process food and derive the nutritional benefits from it. I don't know if I even want to think of the somatic implications of not being able to process. So much formation... no metabolization. I run into this problem a lot, don't I. Started a course of antibiotics today. I hate taking antibiotics, but yet I think this is the right step from here. India is a whole different playing field.

Had a fun morning this morning as I ignored my health. Raju, who is now a 18, but Peg and Ted have known him since he was a little boy, took Jessica and I out. I met him this morning as I was crying a little due to not being able to get a handle on my health. He got me Chai and got a black string from his friends Jewelry stand and wrapped it around my wrist, telling me it would protect against black magic. He then showed me the bookstore I was trying to find, which was not yet open, and took me to buy red ochre for Aurora, which I have had no clue how to find until now. I also asked him about Yoga, and he took me to his Yoga and massage guru. He told me it was exactly a one minute and twenty eight second walk. He gave me exact amounts of time like that for every place we went, but said the times only applied to Indians, who walk faster. He also told me not to run across the street as we crossed, because iut confuses people. When we walk they calculate it. Indian driving seems to mak a lot of sense. The guru was away, but hopefully I'll go back, do yoga, massage, maybe an interview for my project. On our way back we ran into Jessica, and she wanted to wander with us. I determined I felt well enough to wander and he took us alang the ghats for a little ways and then up to the water temple. He said on one day a year, couples who have not yet been able to have children come from all over and they open it up for people to come baith. It gets so crowded there is absoluty nowhere to stand. As of now, we could only look at the inner well, not go in. Really incredible place. He then asked if we wanted to go to the Hanuman temple, which was a 20 minute walk, which we did. That temple was really cool. So much going on inside, monkeys everywhere, people lining up to make offerings, people singing mantras, people sitting and reading mantras... People are also so willing to come up to you and tell you all about it.

Quite easy to just get swept away in Varanasi. Wish we had more time here. Raju also told us about getting Astrology readings, and Kirtan. He took me to a place where people come for Kirtan all day. Raju is the best. I really trust that what he is showing is the real deal. Jessica and I (hopefully... health permitting) are going to see traditional Kathak dance tonight. So much going on, no time to be sick.

Perhaps Sarnath is a reflective place, but this only becomes apparent when you leave.

Dead bodies floating on the Ganges. I made friends with a cow in Sarnath. It has a splinted leg, and I really wonder who splinted the leg, a Jain perhaps? It just wanders, finds places to sit, sometimes convenient places where its nicely out of the way, sometimes places absolutely in the middle of everything, and people just seem to find their way around him. When I met the cow I pet its head and it seemed to like it. It seemed to approach me in a way these cows seem to have no interest in doing. People are merely moving, constantly changing scenery to them. Anicca. This cow seems to be more observant, maybe even more interactive. I saw it in the road once, in the way, being honked at by cars and hurrying to get out of the way, picking up its injured leg to hobble out of the way.

 

Hmm... I didn't realize I was going to write a paragraph about a cow. But the least I can say is that the cows certainly have a presence in India. In the short time I've ben sitting here, I've heard moos, carhorns, dogs, cats, marching bands, voices, motorcycles and autorickshaws... and who knows what else. I try to capture a little piece, a picture, a voice recording, a video (hey, did I tell you my video camera started working again in Thailand?), a piece of writing, and just as I do India seems to slip away from me, melting into what could be any other country, any other place on earth. The organic, organized chaotic weaving of bikes, autorickshaws, bicycle rickshahws, carefree yet determined pedestrians, motorbikes, cars, delivery carts and cows seems to melt away into any normal street when I pull out my camera. India cannot be captured, it cannot be seperated, extracted and implanted into a meme that can travel anywhere, perhaps it is a phenomena that can only be here, and must only be here, happening right now in this place. It is somewhat of a trip to think about the fact that all the while I've been living my life, going about my business in the states, India has always been here doing its thing. Jessica didn't seem to get what I meant when I tried to explain that one to her, and maybe the feeling defies logic.

 

So we have finally busted out of Mother Theresa's sick American ward in Sarnath and returned tgo Varanasi for the weekend, where we're staying at Assi ghat this time, further down the ghats. Its a different area with a different vibe, and I haven't really gotten out to fel the pulse yet. We just got here this afternoon. My first order of business was eat, since I didn't do that all morning due to what could have happenbed on the ride over here if I had... :/ Then I showered in what miiiight have been Ganges water piped in... ehhh... probably wasn't, but it seemed to have a funk.

 

Did the homestay again last night, didn't sleep much but had a lot of fun! Jessica, Tiphany and I tried on our Saris. Yes, thats right, I got a Sari. I looked like an Indian Goddess in it. People have been telling me that I look indian lately. "You are looking Indian."  The guy at the sari shop told me I looked like Indira Ghandi in it, and took modelesque pictures of me. I shall now proceed to look up a picture of her, as I know who she is but not of her appearance.... AND THE VERDICT IS: hmm, not too offended but it really depends on if he was referring to the young Indira or the old Indira.

 

Well, over the next few days I will attempt to soak up as much Varanasi as possible. I love it here. I also must pursue my project... somehow. I haven't a clue how to pursue my project in India... all the clarity I got in Thailand, especially in the Karen village doesn't really seem to apply here at all. I am also not in a very scholastic mindset. I think my logical thinking mind is a bit too overwhelmed to come up with much, there is so much going on. Well... that in itself likely presents a direction... Now off to follow the wind. The wind that wafts the most tantilizing delicious and the most putrid foul smells... at the same time.

Sick in Sarnath

We are dropping like flies, only to momentarilly rise up and fall again. In Sarnath, and everyone in our group (yes... every single one of us) has gotten sick in some way shape or form in the last 72 hours, most of us remain pretty sick and pathetic. It doesn't help that right now we share one big dorm room and even better, one bathroom that frequently runs out of water. Its a par-tay if I ever did see one.

We're in Sarnath, which is a little outside Varanasi, but has a very different fen real lifehe location where the Buddhe gave his first sermon, and there is a genetically identical copy of the Bode tree planted at the location. Also a big important site for Jains as well. We've been working in schools that a man named Dr. Jain set up for children of the untouchable caste who would not otherwise have access to any education. There is one large school with 7 or so smaller satellite schools in villages.

On the first day, there were only 5 of us who could move, so we went out. The plan was to be in groups of at least 2, but with so few of us, we each were dropped at a village school completely on our own. So yes, dropped off to suddenly have 20 kids ages 3-6 staring at me and about 30 villages staring at me, "translators" who didn't actually speak a word of english, no plan, no idea when I was actually going to be picked up, and who knows what kind of expectations. Its like one of those things you would have a bad dream about, or that would happen in a movie but would never actually happen in real life. I was garlanded with flowers and got red powder on my forehead which fell all over my nose, so I had a very red face for the entire day. I had pretty much no idea what to do... Some of the kids were made to touch my feet out of respect, which pretty much made every one of them cry.

We started with the English alphabet once the teacher figured out I had no idea what I was doing, then the Hindi alphabet. I had them teach me a little Hindi. I of course didn'tretain any of it. We did a little simple math, then I tried to get students to draw pictures. I started drawing on the board and wanted them to draw with me, but they would just draw what I drew on their little chalkboards. Finally the idea got across to a few of the 15 year olds in the village, and I got this boy, who was a little smartass, to come up and draw with me. His smartasseyness worked in my favor, and I drew a ridiculous picture of him with octopus tenticles on the board, which seemed to make everyone laugh. The kids then ran around and played, and took me on a little walk around the garden. Pulling out a camera also works wonders. The kids LOVE looking at pictures of themselves on the screen. When all else fails that will always work.

Many forced cultural experiences. Lots of being up in front of kids or young adults with no idea what to do. Getting tired of it. I don't think this particular project is being very well orchestrated. I am bothered by Dr. Jain's style, as well. He just chooses people and demands they make a statement rather than allowing people to volunteer. He does that both to the Indian kids and to us. "Colin will say something, now..." "ohh... ok." I am projecting all over a Jain... what must that say about my psyche?

I did a homestay the night before last. I loved it, the family was so nice. I was too sick to do it again last night, and I imagine I won't be up for it tonight, either. It was the same family Lauren and Robin stayed with last year, and loved.

I was again shoved in front of a class of kids yesterday, and it didn't go nearly as well. I didn't have much energy. Haven't been eating. I look forward to when I can eat again, and hope Indian food hasn't been ruined for me, but I fear it might. It sounds like just about the least appitizing thing to me right now.

melaga

What to even begin to write about India? Feels impossible. What an amazing amazing place. giant mirror, though. Amazing sense that unimaginable things are possible, but it all depends on what you put out.

We arrived in Varanasi the day of Shivaratri.The streets were mostly closed down for the festivities later that night, so we took packed auto rickshaws from the train station as far as we could. I had no idea that many people and backpacks could fit in an auto rickshaw and I imagine even more could if we really got creative and cramped. The walk was fast paced first through the main street and then through a maze of alleyways. There were infinite people lined up for Shivaratri who had been lined up for likely a full day already. Little unclear exactly what they were lining up for, but it certainly had something to do with the holiday and making pilgrimage to temples and the like. Much attention of all kinds being directed at us, Om nama shivaya.Our hotel overlooks the Ganges. I think maybe I want to bathe in the Ganges today? Just my feet perhaps?

We all went out for Shivaratri in the evening despite hearing that it wouldn't be possible for the women over and over again. The plan was for us all to walk to an ice cream shop and for the women to watch from above and for the men to go out in little shifts, and perhaps if it were safe enough escort women out and act as bodyguards. This isn't what ended up happening. On our way, we got caught up in the procession, and we all were in the middle of it, men making a human shield aroiund the women, having the times of our lives and just going with it, flowing with the dangerously uninhibited Indian collective unconscious. I had a great time! I was strategically placed and got a lot of positive attention and a lot less grabbing and groping than the rest of the women. At the point at which the chaos got to be too much, it dispersed and passed.

I no longer feel I can recount events in chronological order.

I've been watching bodies burn at the particular ghat where they do that. That was something I knew I had to do in Varanasi. I went 3 times, and I think the first 2 I wasn't really ready to see anything, so my subconscious stopped me from actually being able to see anything, even though it was all around me. I saw fires and ash, but nothing recognizably human. On my third visit, after standing around and again seeing nothing, the extent to which death was all around me finally set in. The mangled burning flesh entered my field of vision, bones being tossed in the water, dogs poking around for the remains, ash, mourners, chanting, smoke. The ground around me I realized was likely covered on bodily remains, and an awareness of how full the water must have been came to me as well. I made my way on to see the city in all of its other many stages of life, as well, being passed on the way by many processions of people carrying bodies wrapped in colorful cloths to the funeral pyres, chanting together and not seeming all that somber, simply with an awareness that all life eventually goes in that direction.

I escaped some bad odds this morning. I was invited to dinner at a Brahman's house last night, and the 3 other people I was with are all sick this morning.This began yesterday morning where I went out alone in the morning, awoken early by the bustling sounds of the city, incredibly eager to get out there! Being out alone certainly made me more of a target, I was followed by all kind of people. Do you want a boat? Why not, very cheap! Hashish? Chai? Where you from, what country? Where do you go? Do you need help? Won't you come and see my silk shop? Very cheap, 100% real silk. Please, I'd like it if you'd stop following me. I'm not following you. Its all rather harmless, though. I found myself wandering through the maze into a little square where I saw a man speaking sign language and immediately thought of Jessica. I asked a man, who happened to be the Brahman man I spoke of, if this man was deaf. He was one of the Brahman's nephews, and I told him I had someone I wanted to introduce to him who was studying sign language and deaf culture. The fact that I was actually able to find my way back to the hotel and back there with Jessica and Sophie was pretty amazing. In a weird way I haven't had much of a sense of direction in any other city we've been in, but in a city with total chaos and no rhyme or reason I kind of intuitively get it.

We returned and met the same Brahman man, who took us into his house, which was in a 7 story building his family owned, and introduced us to an entire deaf family, whom Jessica was able to communicate with with a mixture of sign languages. We had Chai with them, the best Chai I've had in India this far (which is saying a hell of a lot!) and asked lots of questions about Hinduism while Jessica and her new friends communicated in a flurry of signing. Sophie and I were taken up to the roof to admire an incredible view of the whole city, and were all invited back to dinner, where we were served amazing Coconut filled chapatis. We all had the very Indian experience of eating to our bursting point and not being able to get out host to stop filling our plates again.

 

silk shops, getting ripped off again and again, thinking we were in some way not ripped off and had finally beaten the system only to find they got us again, or perhaps the ones telling us we've been cheated are lying?

 

Must go, we go to Sarnath today and I want to take a walk before coming back to shower and pack. The city awaits!
 

I cannot yet even begin to convey it in writing, I just want to be out in it every minute.

...wow!

All I can say at this point is that India is like the most amazing place ever.

India Tomorrow

And so the adventure continues with a flight to India tomorrow morning. Very early tomorrow morning, I should mention, which brings on a immensity of feelings, all rather subdued. I think it was only yesterday that I cognitively realized we were leaving so soon, the transitions are continuous. The only constant. I do feel ready, I feel ready for just about anything, in fact.

Hard to exactly make sense of what I'm feeling tonight. This trip has been pretty shattering so far, but not at a rate that I can't handle. being in such unfamiliarity (yet familiarity) leaves me feeling that I'm missing some part of myself, that some part of me still resides in Bellingham with my community. I am trying to let go of feeling that way. Pull back into myself and realize how complete I am right now, because the fact of the matter is even if I went home right now everything would be different. People are off traveling, situations aren't the same, everything is constantly changing and there is nothing to cling onto. If I place a part of myself so far outside of myself as to rely on certain situations for it to be a reality than it isn't really mine, and perhaps never was to begin with? I am trying to recognize the fact that I am complete right now, and have access to all my resources and all parts of me. I especially need to become familiar with this fact considering that I have at least a few months more travel in front of me, and I need to be solid.

This is a tough one to l learn especially as I start to feel my social skills polarize and diminish. For example, I met a fire circus from all over the place the other day that performed and did workshops in the refugee camps. I sat down and talked to a few of them for awhile, and then went over to their guesthouse that evening while they had a poi workshop and I found it really hard to connect with them. I've been interacting with the same people for a month now and perhaps and losing some versatility. At the same time I gain versatility at making communication in intercultural situations.

Can't believe it has already been so long, the thought of going back to the US feels increasingly more depressing. Not the people, however. I am realizing more and more how incredibly lucky I am! My community situation is a very rare one I think, I don't know if most people have become accustomed to feeling as met and supported as I do in a regular basis at home.

I feel very ready for India. I've been so excited for such a long time. it feels difficult, however, to formulate solid intentions. I am beginning to see the extent to which intentions are a huge guiding force when traveling. The universe certainly provides in a myriad of creative ways.

The first image is some puppies having their way with me at the village. The next is a temple in mae sot and the lines are bats, it was a long exposure. The next is the head man of the village, picture taken after I interviewed him and the last is the ESP classroom in Meala. I added a few pictures to old posts as well, so take a look.

Meala

Hmm.. lets see, what to disclose and what not to disclose. It seems that all the best adventures go somewhat below the legal radar.

We went to the Burmese refugee camp today. By we I mean a group of 6 of us with Jared (which is a large group of Farang to go unnoticed). After working with Burmese refugees who were ESP students (ESP refers to engineering study program) for the microhydro project many of us became interested in Burmese issues. The camp was about an hour ride from Maesot. Jared devised what probably had been a solid plan, but we didn't have a cell phone with us. I believe the plan was something along the lines of calling our contacts inside once we were close and having them meet us at an entrance and going in, but without a phone we didn't know where to get off. Then we had to ask to use a cell phone, which made us very apparent to the authorities.

Our friends that we knew from the inside met us outside and we were able to uhh...find a way in. It was an interesting place to be. We were stared at a great deal inside, which doesn't surprise me. We went and saw the ESP school and interviewed the teachers. The school is a pretty competitive program. Only 60 students get in per year, and we asked what kind of opportunities completing the program offered to students, but considering that most of the students don;t have UN approved refugee status and there is basically no chance at resettlement, and there is no opportunity to work inside the camp, there isn't really anything they get to do with their education. It still seems very important however that they be empowering themselves through higher education, but since there is no where to go from there the situation feels very hopeless. I could feel the frustration from them.They can't leave the camp. Most of them had been there for years and years. The place is completely packed.

It doesn't look like an entirely unpleasant place to be. People have built their oen houses and it seems like the community is very tight knit and close, and there was a nice vibe in the air, music being played. It basically felt like a huge, completely overcrowded village. People generally seem to make the best of a bad situation, and the situation inside the camp is likely alot better than where they came from.

We had the chance to ask the teachers many questions and meet some of the students. We were able to look at their textbooks and see what they were doing, and hopefully will be able to provide them with more up to date textbooks. The engineering textbooks werefrom the 60's.

I'm still processing what it felt like to be there. How can over 140,000 people all live there and not be able to leave? It is such a huge privilege to be able to move freely in the world, and I'm having the opportunity to look at all sorts of different factors that inhibit that movement for most of the world. I didn't exactly know how I would respond to that upon seeing it. There definitely is some guilt that I experience. Some responsibility. At the same time I can't get too carried away with that. There are many things I have that people all over the world don't, but many things they have that I'll never have. Perhaps much truer and more pure wealth than anything I have.

I really did enjoy talking to people in there, and it felt pretty badass to sneak in and out. Getting out was almost harder than getting in, although I don't think the consequences for getting caught would have been all that severe.

I think people from my group are getting more real. Experiences like the Karen village and this are certainly shattering to the ego, although it does a lot to fight back. I think, after being with the same group for so long, I'm beginning to lose my social skills.

More about the Karen village

The Karen village was a lot to process. I can't even begin to put it into words. I felt the feeling that I didn't want to leave at the end. It wasn;t so much a genuine feeling, but I at that point had hardly dove in. I was justbeginning to breach another layer and feel safe enough to go in more, interact with the locals, be present, make an effort to speak another language and have intercultural communication and really see what opportunities were there. I hardly know anything about the people, I just touched the surface and they hardly know anything about me. There is so much more that could have been exchanged.

 

The women seem to have different sounds to get animals away, and sometimes they seemed to yell at the kids a tiny bit more than I wondered was warrented. It was their tone more than anything that surprised me, their strength and the temporary deviation from their quiet, compassionate demeanor. hmm, their publicbreastfeeding and their compassionate childraising.

 

The kids are very loud and very alive, constantly discovering the power of their voices. Their playful screams and their anguished cries fill the village from morning until night as they learn their own inner strength.

 

I did at one point find myself throwing a stick at a rooster. They get going around 3:30 am and carry on all morning, making sure to get as close to you as possible. They stop several hours after sunrise and seemed to briefly resume again in late afternoon, making sure no one stays asleep after the afternoon lull.

 

I at one point witnessed an old woman carrying a huge bundle of sticks suspended fromher head across a river with quite a heavy current. Their ideas about bodies are so rooted in what they have to do, and what they have to do is so tied into where they are, and serving the basic needs of the community as dictated by the enviornment.

 

Bamboo foot bridges, pinky toes coming out of sandals, squatting, spitting, beetlenut, red stained teeth, power of the old women!, beautiful handwoven textiles, pounding flour, woman somewhat isolated in the house all day, soccer and that weird hackysackvolleyball game and how all the kids completely kick ass at it!, the extreme politeness of the kids who whenever they saw us would stop, put their hands together and say Sawadee ka (Thai for hello, thai is not these kids native langauge). Everytime. Just how fast information travels, kids carrying smaller kids on their backs, motorbikes on almost any surface, thr animals fear of humans, the dogs absolutely know the meal schedule and are always on time, intense calf muscles, that old woman's haircut, momma dog barking at me, orion's belt.

I have perhaps realized the true value of willful ignorance as a coping mechanism

I have returned from the Karen village. It was a time of a lot of reflection.

We went incredibly deep into the jungle outside of Maesat to do a microhydro electric dam installation to provide a Karen village with electricity. We were working with an NGO called BGET (Border green energy team) and Engineering students from Burma who live in a refugee camps outside Maesat called Maela.

Events are all blending together, but I believe it was the second night there I got really sick. I likely had a fever of 102 or so and laid in the house not being able to move, completely miserable. The fever broke in a day, and after that it became more along the lines of a cold. It was an intense experience to have a body malfunction away from civilization.

The entire village must have known I was sick, too. I didn't realize that at the time. As I laid there sweltering hot and delirious I felt very isolated, a feeling I often feel when sick, but the next day when I was feeling a bit better and moving about, the level of acknowledgment I got from the villagers was astonishing. People were pointing amd smiling, and I could just tell by the looks in their eyes that they had known I was sick, and were glad I was better.

The whole village experience was very , confusing and amazing. Only a few spoke Thai, the rest only spoke Karen, so any language interaction had to be translated from english to Thai to Karen. I was able to do an interview with a man who spoke Thai, who I later found out was the head man of the whole village, and a very important person to the Karen as a whole (which there are 7 million of). He was incredibly down to earth and funny and very willing to talk about anything.

I didn't get the chance to do a whole lot of work on the dam due to sickness. I had to take it easy. I really enjoyed the work I did do, however. It was really rewarding. There are a lot of ethical issues around supplying the tribe with power, however. The power is technically for the school, the temple and the church, however it will produce far more than that. The village had a previous microhydro dam installed 8 years ago that failed. I heard (and what i heard might be skewed through translation and other people's various biases) that with the input of power 8 years ago people started getting televisions. The televisions and access to the western world started creating desires beyond basic needs that could be fulfilled by the village, and people began going out to the cities and buying more, they sought out solar panels from the government (which 40 of the houses now have) set up a small very basic village store, and improved their roads so there is now better access to the cities (better is a relative term, however). This microhydro installation will give more opportunities for television watching.

While this village is still pretty isolated and fairly in tact culturally, it is sad to see them go the way of just about everyone else towards towards globalization, but I don't have a completely one sided view of this issue.


I'm still having a lot of trouble with this group of people I'm with. I'm experiencing a pretty frequent struggle between really trying to think of ways to improve my situation, not dwell on negative feelings, be more accepting of where people are at, or frankly just try to flat out ignore what I'm feeling because I don't want frustration and negative feelings to get in the way of having a good time on this trip. On the other side of it, I am feeling this way! I am feeling a great deal of negativity around both the group, and how I'm being treated and how I really am having a lot of troubel being myself, resourcing how I'd like and doing what I love. If I am feeling this way, can;t I just be allowed to feel what I'm feeling? Can't I just be frustrated, angry and sad without it consuming me? Getting to the title of this entry, I am really seeing how willful ignorance of feelings and the messages of the body is a very effective coping mechanism. I almost wish I actually could ignore what I'm feeling, but every time I suppress an emotional experience, push it down and don't somehow aknowledge and utilize the action potential behind the emotion I tie new knots. I create new armoring in my body that is going to lessen my ability to be authentic and express myself and actually be in my experience in the future. I can actually feel these knots in the body, and I wish I wasn't making new knots. I haven't really figured out a way to really nurture my whole self on this trip.

Its a struggle, basically the main struggle of the trip. Basically being a part of this group and all the challenges that go along with that has been much harder than anything Thailand has thrown at me. I'm open to change. Things are always changing. It isn't a bad thing that I'm having this difficulty. My higher self acknowledges that it is even an opportunity. (damn higher self).


I don't want to stop traveling. I hate to inform my parents of this, but my very conservative estimate of there being a 7% chance I won't come back has now increased to a 10% chance. However, things change. I wonder what is more difficult for me, traveling with a group of people I don't really resonate with or traveling alone. Traveling alone has been a pretty big challenge in the past. We'll see.