Chiang Mai night Market yesterday, market for locals this afternoon. Big contrast between the two. I read the chapter in our book about the Chaing Mai night bizarre before going so I was able to observe some of the social networks, heirarchy of spacial ownership and relations occuring on a little bit of a deeper level. I did, however, get carried away in the flurry of bright colors, sounds and smells. I was caught up in the game with a very external focus, completely out of my body, looking at all the goods surrounding me, looking for what I wanted, trying to bargain the sellers down from their rediculous tourist prices. It was a lot of fun. Thwe few moments I did remember my somatic mission, I realized how disembodied I had before, not feeling my breath, not feeling my feet, eyes glazed over, sore. Really difficult place to be in the body. Forgetting I even had an intention to do that in the first place. I got a few pairs of pants, I'm not sure exactly how much I like them upon reexamination this morning.

 

All 8 of us ladies went out together last night and somehow managed to not lose each other. As we sat at a rather chill bar outside off the main stretch we got approached one after another by children selling roses and little galands, hill tribe women and even elephants. It really made me sad to see the elephants being treated that way.

 

Today Simon and I went to the locals market, which was a much less aggressive atmosphere, and considering that the prices begin much lower, much less bargaining is required. After this, a group of us walked to one of the main temples to talk to some monks for our project. The temple, Wat Chedi Luang, completely blew me away.

 

We talked to a monk from Cambodia named A for awhile who spoke quite good English. I was immediatly struck by his presence. He really lives what to most is a theoretical concept. Gazing into his eyes was like looking into a mirror, my awareness being brought deep with myself. He had quite the sense of humor as well. The group of us asked questions while he talked at length about how we're all mirrors of each other, imperminance, how he;s both a student and a teacher all the time, acceptance and duty.

 

I went into the interview hoping to get a sense of his relationship to his body and to his self. Not exactly something I could diretly ask about, so I hoped to get a sense of it from his answers to other questions. Interesting how he, and others in the monastic order, embody a belief and a relationship to their bodies of impermnance. They do not own their bodies. they accept to a great degree that everything is constantly changing, and although the mind is a powerful thing, they have no control of it and there is truly nothing to grasp onto. However, they seem to be more present in themselves and more awarwe of both themselves and the world around them than many can claim to be. I could tell just by being in the presence of this guy. In his presence, especially at first, I felt much more clarity than I'd felt in awhile. I felt grounded in my body and my mind, and clear in my intentions. The air around me seemed to take on a thicker, more purquality, like water.

 

This peace and clarity lasted for awhile, and then he began to ask us what we were studying in school. I told him somatic psychology and gestured to my own body, telling him it was the psychology of the body. he immediately told me I was in the wrong psychology. That psychology doesn't study from the personal experience, but from other sources like books and other people, and isn't authentic. Just knowledge, not knowing. I tried to object, telling him that I study from personal experience. If only he could know how much this was the case, but he wouldn't have it. I could feel a hot steam clouding over my pool of clarity. In that moment I felt defensive, like I had something to prove to this monk. How could he assume that I don't embody my knowledge? How could he not know that I never blindly task in information from books without having persoanlly experienced it to be true myself? I DO LEARN FROM THE INSIDE OUT AND I'VE FRAMED MY ENTIRE EDUCATIONAL EXPERIENCE AROUND MY OWN BODY AND EXPERIENCE, DAMNIT!

 

Breath... return to senses, and it passes.

 

What was that wave of defensiveness? This person doesn't know me persoanlly. He doesn't know what I study or how I study, and as for wanting to prove something to him, that is all ego. He doesn't have to know or believe that I know what I know for me to still embody it. And perhaps I need to again be reminded to study from my own experience. Not to compare my experience to what I'd like it to be, or to other people's experiences.

 

I couldn't really stay focused on our conversation after this, my md drifted to my project, and further ideas and intentions for it. I remembered some of how to be in my body again. How to stay connected and further how to pursue this project the way i wanted to before I began feeling this loss of poer. What typem of questions to ask.

 

I've been feeling like I've been drifting further and further from myself, but what does that mean? I'm always here, not missing anything. I guess I'm having trouble surrendering to the fact that things are different. What i thought of as me was merely a set of circumstances layered upon eachother both internally and externally. Those aren't my circumstances right now. All of those external factors are extremely fragile, and frankly not worth the energy to cling onto, especially since there is nothing solid to grasp. My enviornment is different, bringing out different characteristics and I likely have a lot to learn by observing how I respond to them.

 

well, I'm probably going to eat some good food tonight and go to the night market again. Hopefully more this time as a somatic anthropologist and less as a consumer. Tomorrow we head to Chiang Dao for a few days where we

ll go ofin a few directions depending on interest, and then come back to Chaing Mai again.